The computer screen seemed so bright in the dawn-lit room that it hurt Jibran’s eyes every time he blinked, but he couldn’t care to switch the lamp on his desk. He felt so comfy in his chair, playing with a new set of test tubes he got not long ago that he was too lazy to do anything else. He just wanted to do something with his hand, while he reread the two emails under each other.

   He was working on the reply all night until the aurora disappeared and his room started to become lighter. He had curtains to block the light, but he forgot to close them. He should’ve slept, but he was too angry at himself – he tried to put this answer together, since he got the email from Seraing.

   He once again reread that message. He wanted to dissect it as much as he could, but still, one tiny part in his soul cramped up scared, as if his heart had a little ant that clung onto his doubts, and didn’t want to let it go.

   “Sorry I didn’t write to you right away, I was very busy yesterday, or in fact, in these last few days. I just felt like I wouldn’t be able to focus on this email, even if I tried to write it.

   Yes, there will be twelve women. They were all tested already. They will be sent to the Institute soon.

   Actually, there are a few things I want to talk about with you, but all of them are quite serious to discuss in texts. Around the time when the ladies arrive, can you make some time for me to talk?

   I have some news. It’s more like a surprise.

   About the last part of your email… So, you mean, you don’t need your right hand man anymore? I’m sad. I’m going to be useless from now on… not as if I was much useful for you in these years. You don’t even need me. I am the one who should cry now.

   I will be waiting for your answer. Sorry for being so concise.”

Jibran leaned forward, supporting himself on his elbow, and stroked his lips with the test tube.

   He changed his answer so many times throughout the night that he started to mix things up. He still couldn’t really decide if he should write more or less. Sometimes he felt like he shouldn’t write long, since Seraing clearly had no time for him, so he deserved no more effort from Jibran. Another part of him wanted to look like he wasn’t offended by the length and the minimalistic style of his answer – he wasn’t really, but he felt more anxious than happy about the context.

So, the current version of his email looked like this:

   “Mr Pauli said he heard, it was you who talked with the Underground City Base and arranged this exchange with them about the ladies … Is that true? Why didn’t you mention that before? You really start to become just as influential and sneaky as Lu Feng.”

   This part was straightforward; Jibran didn’t feel it needed to be changed. It was work-related, so he got over it pretty soon… they talked about the dozen fertile women coming to the Highland Research Institute before, so there was no need to prolong that topic. This day was the day of their arrival anyway.

However…

   “What serious topics? I’m not sure how much time I can make for a call, and Mr Pauli wants to contact the Underground City Base as well, so…”

   It was a lie, and he knew, if he was going to lie, he has to do it right. Surely, that bastard Judge would read his mind over the text… But no matter how much he was thinking about it, he couldn’t make it better. Why else he could not use an emergency line? He could say, it is broken, but if Seraing calls anyway, and someone picks it up, it’s over. He didn’t want to involve anyone into this, asking them to back him up in his lie – he wasn’t proud of himself wanting to lie.

   And of course, Mr Pauli didn’t mention anything like this either. So, there was nothing that would prevent him to make time. But for some reason, the way how Seraing worded those lines held him back from saying “Oh, of course, I will”. In his first version of this reply, he listed at least twenty questions, demanding the details in text, not wanting to cooperate. But he forced himself to calm down.

   Mr Pauli taught him if he caught himself acting a certain way that he didn’t like, he should immediately stop it, reminding himself that he was probably overreacting. Also, he had to find the reason for his reactions – if he got it, he had to list all the possibilities of the things which made him react in that certain way and open up his view.

So he did just that.

What threw him off the most?

   Obviously, the suspicious “serious talk”. Because what seriousness couldn’t be talked over texts? They had all their conversations in texts. Also, Seraing didn’t use any nickname for him – this was a secondary problem.

What was the solution?

   Reminding himself, that it’s probably not what he thinks it is. There were many possibilities why would Seraing say that. A serious talk can be something official, for example, related to the base. Maybe the leaders wanted something from Jibran personally. And the reason of not using nicknames… maybe because it is indeed work-related. Jibran remembered that Seraing never liked to flirt when he was working.

   But there could be other reasons. For example… Seraing wanted to announce another “official” thing… like, he has another relationship. And he wanted to cut ties with Jibran, ending their awkward communication.  So he didn’t bother to use nicknames anymore.

   Jibran deciphered his feelings and thoughts once again; it was his learning process. His mental health did a lot better than in the past. In fact, he was once again himself – in any other time, when the issue was not about Seraing. When it came to this person, his heart was still… wounded. His love-loss never healed completely.

But why did he feel that the latter was the true reason for Seraing’s words?

   Because of that drunken night. Because of Seraing’s good nature. Hearing Jibran getting wasted, that dumb boy probably felt responsible. The blond man really wanted to find out what they were talking about that night, but no one could tell him… He just hoped, he didn’t beg to Seraing for attention, or to restart their relationship… All in all: Jibran believed the only reason that Seraing was writing to him again was that the young Judge felt responsibility over Jibran’s feelings, and wanted to make him feel better. Nothing else. He was that type of guy. Selfless and caring.

And why would he not want to continue this fakery, if his reason was so simple?

   Well, this was even easier to figure out. Jibran ignored him for years. Even if Seraing loved him in the past, by this time he surely lost those feelings. Jibran was very well aware, that his actions led to this point, and this was his exact purpose.

   Jibran did everything on purpose. He never pursued anything that had no future. Talking about career or private life, he always set goals for himself that he knew he can reach. He didn’t live for delusions and time-wasting. Clear goals, like coming to the Institute, be a test subject and re-growing his limbs, these were okay. But with Seraing? What did future hold for them? If Jibran was going to be replaced, there was no reason to continue answering. He battled with his heart many times, when the urge to write to Seraing almost overtaken his entire mind. Why pour energy into something that has no future? Does he really need this pain every time, when they exchange emails?

   Every single time, when Seraing brought up that Admiral, he felt increasing pain and his mental health worsened. Jibran despised his self-pitying tendencies, but even by talking about it with Mr Pauli, he didn’t find a good solution to deal with this habit. Jibran needed to get away from the whole situation and Seraing. From the time they’d broke up with Seraing, and Jibran came here – hiding in his room for a month, making Mr Pauli worried – to the later messages, when Seraing praised that man so much, he couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t handle it. Crawling up from his mental breakdown and depression was the most challenging journey of his life, and he didn’t want to slide back to that pit.  

   And on a side-note: Jibran only found jealousy amusing, when he was just a viewer of others’ jealousy. Feeling it himself it became an unbearable weight. He found it disgusting. Especially, when – not being able to hold back – he wanted to hurt Seraing back, trying to make him jealous, and he failed. He knew he might have been okay with his own jealousy, if he saw Seraing getting hurt by his words about Rum… But it didn’t work out, and he only felt self-hatred in the end.

   His heart was weak towards Seraing. Just like on that night, when they’d departed. He couldn’t stop himself reading his messages – he’d read them right away. And he couldn’t bring himself not to answer…

   It wasn’t good for him. Still being in love with that person, despite their break up, and talking with him as if he had any chance… almost destroyed him again.

   In fact, everything could be easier, if he didn’t change after he healed his body. Because somehow he changed. The pain lessened, and he started to regret his actions. He tried to make it up for Seraing, showing his best sides, even flirting back a little. The hope got back its flame in his heart once again, that maybe… just maybe, he can save this relationship…

   But that flame was still dim compared to the darkness of his past behaviour. He never could discard the idea, that Seraing was only doing this because of that drunken night, when Jibran poured his bleeding heart out, and ended up embarrassing himself in front of him, Mr Pauli and even Lu Feng.

   Jibran wanted to push Seraing away, but he failed again and again, and when he finally came to terms with his own feelings, it seemed like he was going to be pushed away. So naturally, he panicked when he saw this message. This was the reason why he felt that cramp in his heart. This was why that ant held onto his doubts.

   “I don’t really like surprises. Can’t you just tell me what it is? I’m not feeling hopeful about liking that surprise.”

   In his first version of the letter, he directly asked if that news was that he and the Admiral became official.

   “You know… I was thinking about it… I might still need a right hand here… I mean, my right hand is still somewhat sucks. It’s really hard to learn basic things again. So… so you still can be useful… for a little bit.”

Jibran bit on the test tube.

   This was the most reviewed and rewritten part of his email. Should he even answer that part? In some regards, Seraing’s words seemed to be careless about it. It seemed to be a joke. Or was it a flirt? Did he still mean that dirty version of being his right hand? Or was it just Jibran, who still wished that to be real? Maybe he shouldn’t add that last part. It would sound weird if Seraing was joking – as if Jibran was offering him to jerk him off again.

   If Seraing announcement was going to be the worst case scenario that Jibran imagined, then this conversation would make him the biggest fool on the planet.

   The sun was already up, and Jibran found himself sucking on the bottom of the tube in his nervousness. With a smacking sound, he put it down, and got a new rush of energy to write, so he leaned over the keyboard.

   His communicator rang. It was a sudden noise, he was startled by it. Being a bit drowsy, his focus wasn’t on point. He stood up reluctantly, feeling annoyed, and he took his communicator from his bed. There was a message from Lu Feng.

 “I’m coming over.”

Jibran laughed loudly, but he wanted to cry.

   “Why, you bastard, why are you announcing this, instead of just coming over, why do you have to text?”

   He turned around and was about to toss his communicator somewhere, when he froze, as he found the ex-Arbiter standing in his doorway, looking at him with his usual flat look, raising his eyebrows. Despite the early morning, he already looked fresh and tidy.

Jibran lowered his hand, and just dropped the communicator back to his bed.

 “Good morning.” Lu Feng said, and Jibran grinned, but the corner of his mouth twitched.

 “You, too.” He was a bit sour. “How come that you already up? Can’t you sleep at times like this as a normal person? Why are you here anyway? Don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind about the extract.”

 “That will never happen.” The ex-Arbiter was talking very seriously, so naturally, Jibran wanted to tease him.

 “Okay, then you’re here to pay for me to never approach you with any extracts. What would you offer me to buy my silence, and make me not want to pursue you?”

 “Would that ever happen?”

   Jibran had to admit that he was quite stubborn, so in the end he waved his hand, and sighed dramatically.

 “Alright, alright, why are you here then?” He gave up on the extract for now, and stepped closer to the other man, putting his hands into his pocket.

 “I want to give an advice.” Jibran literally felt it when his jaw dropped. “It would be beneficial for you if you would stop your dirty talks with An Zhe from now on.”

   Jibran had no expectations, but if he ever had one, it wouldn’t be this one. He looked at Lu Feng completely dumbfounded.

 “After so many years…” He started with a shaky voice. “After so many sacrifices… Are you finally admitting that you’re jealous when someone is hitting on him? You’re all I hoped for.” He made some fake sniffing noises, and wiped his eyes from the non-existent tears.

 “I’m not jealous.” Lu Feng said coldly. “I have no reason for that.”

   Jibran clicked with his tongue, ended his dramatic act, and looked away. So annoying… it was just so annoying.

 “For the gods’ sake.” He said; his words were soaking with sarcasm and bitterness. “Have you all been castrated emotionally in your stupid Trial Court? Can’t you ever feel like a tiiiiiiiny… “He showed it with his fingers how tiny.”… bit of jealousy? I get that you’re all super-duper-overconfident and think that you’re the best shots in the world… and you know, maybe you are.” Seraing definitely was. He was the best of the best shots. Jibran felt sadness for that. “But at least entertain the idea a little bit before you answer! Would you not mind, if I was actually… I mean for real would hit on An Zhe? You don’t have any feelings over him that urges you to punch me in the face when I’m talking about how and when and what happens when he is being bedded?”

   Lu Feng crossed his arms while listening… at least, he was listening. After Jibran’s scolding, it seemed that the ex-Arbiter was thinking about the topic: his green eyes were a bit less icy, and his gaze fell on the ground with his eyebrows slightly wrinkling. Finally!

 “No.” He said after three seconds.

   Jibran’s jaw once again dropped, and he felt resigned. They just didn’t get it. These stupid Judges just didn’t get it. But before he could express his feelings further, Lu Feng suddenly spoke up again.

 “If it’s you, I know, you’re not doing it for real.”

 “Well, thanks for your trust.” Jibran spat this out disappointedly. “But why? I could be for real.”

 “You have someone. You’re not the type who would betray his person.”

   A lightning struck Jibran right in that minute, and he felt even more stunned. His mind went blank and a sudden fear and shyness had woken up in his heart. Does Lu Feng know…? But they’ve never mentioned Seraing since he was here. And even before; they haven’t talked about him that much. While they were flirting, before his accident, Jibran kept his private life in secret, especially when they weren’t even an “official” thing. He didn’t want to ruin his reputation, or get into an embarrassing position, where people would know about him and Seraing and then they just… wouldn’t work out as a couple. He knew exactly how thirsty people were for these rumours, and Jibran wanted no part of that.

   But… he confessed everything to Mr Pauli. Would he tell Lu Feng…? It didn’t seem like the case…

 “I… I don’t… What are you talking about?” Jibran asked in a raspy voice and a higher tone, and he hated that his own body turned against him. Lu Feng was too good at reading other’s body language and behaviour.

   Lu Feng turned his eyes away, and cast a longer look at another part of the room beside Jibran. Following his gaze, Jibran realised he left his email open, and his screen was facing directly with the door. A cold wave rushed through him, and he quickly stepped aside to hide his letter that he hadn’t finished yet. He knew, his face turned red, it was hot as hell.

 “What are you looking at… just how good your eyes are… You didn’t see anything!”

   Lu Feng answered with a flat and maybe even a slightly scolding look, which would make any child cry, if their teacher would look at them like this. Jibran also felt a bit of weakness in his knees suddenly but… he was an adult! Better luck next time, trying to throw me off! Hah!

 “I don’t have to see the details to know you’re writing with Seraing.” Damn it… take that back… it was an excellent try. Jibran felt exactly like a child right now, who wasn’t aware of how much their teachers knew about his shenanigans. “He asked my permission to flirt with you.”

   Jibran stood there for a minute blinking, staring at Lu Feng and replaying that last sentence in his mind.

 “Per… what?” Jibran breathed out. “He did what???”

 “He asked my permission to flirt with you.” Lu Feng repeated, observing his face attentively. “I thought you knew about it.” When Jibran opened his mouth, but no sounds had come from him, because he just lost his ability to speak for a fucking moment… Lu Feng continued. “You can ask him for his reasons if he wants to tell them. But he asked if I was okay with that. Later he confirmed that you’ve been dating. It seems like you’re still doing that.” Lu Feng’s eyes glanced over Jibran once again, but he couldn’t see the screen anymore.

 “Wh… when… when did he… since when do you…” Jibran stuttered, and his tongue was clumsy and numb; his chest warmed up with many kinds of emotions. There was no breathing technique that he could perform to keep his calm right now.

 “He asked me when I returned from the wilderness retrieving the spore.”

   That… That was a long fucking time ago, for the fuck sake! Jibran hid his burning face in his palms. And here he was, trying to hide it from Lu Feng… haha! What in the world… Why didn’t Seraing tell him about this!? It was almost like when someone asks their lover’s parents for marriage… pff, not as if Jibran needed a guard or a parent to decide if he wanted a relationship or not…! AND SINCE WHEN IS LU FENG SUCH A FIGURE IN HIS LIFE?! Seraing, why…

 “So you knew all along.” He sighed and lowered his arms. If there was nothing to hide anymore, it was a waste of time being embarrassed over it. Although, his face still felt hot. “All this time… is this why you never took me seriously about An Zhe?”

 “Yes.”

 “Why didn’t you say it sooner?”

 “Why would I? This is your business. However, if you’re going to betray Seraing’s trust, I would say a word or two to you.” Lu Feng rarely threatened other people; his presence alone was enough, usually. But of course, he and Jibran had a close bond, thus his presence alone didn’t do much… so now, hearing those cold words, Jibran swallowed, and to protect himself, he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

But then his gaze fell on the ground, and he felt a small amount of pain in his heart.

 “We’re not a thing anymore. Have you not noticed that I’m here and he’s at the Northern Base? He’s loved by many, he’s kind and attractive and charismatic and he’s the best catch for anyone who can fight for his attention. I lost my fight… or losing it anyway. I’m not even there to have a fair fight.” Jibran’s throat started to tighten, so he quickly moved on. “So that’s that. That’s the end of that story.”

   Lu Feng stood at the doorway for a long time, before he straightened his back and dropped his arms at his side.

 “Oh. I see.”

   This was all he said, and he turned on his heels. Before he left Jibran in his room, he threw his words above his shoulder.

 “We’re about to eat. Mr Pauli said “come and have breakfast”.”

And then he just walked away, leaving Jibran with his storming emotions.

~¤¤¤~

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