“… so this is crucial for us to work swiftly and smoothly, and keep the people safe. Our communication system is much more developed than the system for the civilians, the base relies on it greatly. The City Defence Agency wouldn’t be as successful as it was in the past and…”

   Jibran felt sleepy, as he was listening to this man’s preach. Once again an equipment-failure, this was common by now, the distortion reached a lot of places – and of course, the residential areas were no different.

   His own communicator suddenly silently resonated in his pocket. In the past, Jibran did not answer calls or messages in a meeting. But since they lived in this era now, where they could experience another catastrophe at any moment, it was indeed crucial to have their communicator on themselves. Jibran knew this. With that in mind, he checked the message he got… and the sleepiness disappeared instantly; his body jerked and his back straightened.

 “… we hoped that the Lighthouse can lend some of their…”

 “We can’t.” Jibran suddenly spoke, interrupting the older man’s words. The leader of the City Defence Agency was not the usual leader – their captain died somewhere in the chaos that this city experienced in the last couple of months – and had no authority, especially compared to Jibran. For this reason, he shut up right away. “Yeah, I get that, communication system, of course, it’s important. But what exactly do you expect me to do? Why are you here, anyway? You have to go to the City Affairs Office. Did you not know that all of our equipment is also broken? Did you think that we have all the resources to repair everything that has fallen for the distortion? We barely can keep ourselves alive.”

 “Doctor…” One of his colleagues whispered, and Jibran saw the pale face and terrified eyes, but he had enough.

 “Don’t doctor me.” He scolded his subordinate, and started to arrange his paperwork, putting everything back into the folder in front of him. “These meetings are useless. Let’s face the fact that we are going to die in the next month or so. At least if we don’t find a solution to prevent the fall of the magnetic poles. Which I’m still working on, and I don’t have spare time to spend on your problems. I cannot even go home to rest… since demonstrators are surrounding the Twin Towers. Only if the City Defence Agency would do their job, maybe then I would see why I should give a damn about your communication system.”

   The few people from the City Defence Agency, who came to this meeting, apart from the captain, all hung their heads. The older man’s face twitched.

 “Our work is hindered by this system failure, this is why…”

 “Then make it work.” Jibran coldly looked at the person right in the eyes, not backing up. ” MY work is also hindered, I can’t even think clearly, because I have to listen to the demonstrators’ scandals all day and night. These civilians are literally making me unable to work out a solution to save our lives. MY equipment has also been broken, and even though MY work is much more important for the future of humanity than your communication system, it was not a priority in the eyes of the base, and they’re currently spending all of the remaining resources on military equipment repairs. So, once again, what do you expect to get here? If you don’t have communicators, just keep your voice louder and work in smaller groups. But don’t use this as an excuse why you haven’t dismissed the demonstrating civilians yet.”

 “Civilians have the right to demonstrate.” The captain said in a firm voice, and shot a piercing look at Jibran. “If they are too loud, I’m sorry about that. But we still have the right to oppose the things we don’t like.”

 “What exactly is that?” Jibran showed a wide smile, as he stood up, holding his folders.

 “You know what happened three days ago….”

   Jibran laughed. His laugh was not happy at all, and he didn’t even try to make it sound like that.

 “You mean the Arbiter killed someone once again? Is that new?”

   His colleagues also hung their heads now. None of their subordinates dared to say a word in this argument, and the silence was almost ear-piercing. Jibran didn’t look away and the captain didn’t look away – they stared at each other for a couple of long seconds.

 “I knew it.” The old man whispered at last. “You’re siding with the Arbiter… instead of Dr Wright…”

 “Dr Wright was a brilliant mind, and his death is a great loss for our… I repeat OUR facility; the Lighthouse is still grieving him – so is the military.” Jibran almost felt his throat getting cold by saying this. “But regardless, he was just one of the thousands.”

 “There is no way to tell if he was really…”

 “Yes, there is no way to tell if he was infected, and sadly, there is no way to tell if we are infected right now. But if he was, then his mutation would’ve killed him anyway, or we should’ve shot him just a few days later. Don’t forget: you’re here, because of the Arbiter’s abilities recognising xenogenics. You all would be long dead if…”

 “We are dead if he’s not stopping killing innocents.”

   Jibran pressed his lips together. He knew it was pointless to argue. Now even more than ever, people felt more and more hatred towards Lu Feng and the Trial Court. It’s not like Jibran didn’t understand; he wasn’t happy that Lu Feng couldn’t think clearly, and caused such a scene when the atmosphere at the base was so heated anyway… But Jibran started to lose his patience as well. He wasn’t truly blaming these people, but he had to stand on his ground firmly.

 “Then you’re welcome to take on the job of a Judge and try to save the people. The Trial Court’s communication system isn’t broken. Join them and let’s see how you save the innocent. Now… this topic is completely unrelated to our meeting. There’s no point in coming here for you. Stop bothering me with your problems, unless you’re finding a way to let me work in peace. Go to the United Front Center, they will have the final word if you can use resources or any help from them. You’re dismissed.”

   Thus, he just stormed out of the meeting room and when he was far enough from that place, he started to speedwalk, and then run towards the other side of the Twin Towers. Tiny lightning bolts were striking his temples as he picked up the pace, but he just shook it off; he had headaches all day yesterday too. And it was once again late night – they really had to work from dawn to past midnight every day. Jibran could no longer follow the alternation of days and nights.

   By the time he arrived on the first floor of the Trial Court and stood in front of Seraing’s door, he felt nauseous, slightly dizzy and ran out of air. He took a few seconds to catch his breath, and then looked down at his own attire. Suddenly, he felt the urge to look fabulous…

   Yeah, right. Fabulous. Not showering for two days for being torn apart between meetings and work, not having the chance to go home for clean clothing…

   Yet… he tucked into his oily hair to regain some of his dignity in front of this person. He felt awful, a part of him wanted to be captivating for Seraing… until he realised, the young Judge probably was going to be in a similar state, after being in jail and court for three days. 

   He was about to knock on the door when it was opened. Seraing almost stepped into him, and Jibran’s lifted fist stopped at the young man’s chest. The Judge froze, and they stared at each other in the dimly lighted corridor.

   Seraing’s face was utterly pale, his eyes wore two wide black circles and his cheekbones seemed to stand out a bit more under his skin; as Jibran expected he looked like crap. The worst was his eyes: all the light yellow and orange sparks were missing, and it seemed like he was at the bottom of a dark, deep cave.

   Despite all of this, Jibran’s stomach tingled, and suddenly his chest felt much lighter, as if a tight belt was coming off of his lungs and heart. Even a smile crept onto his lips, and at that moment, Seraing’s tense face also relaxed. His eyes lit up, and he answered with a faint smile.

 “You were fast. I’ve been told that you have a meeting.” The young Judge said in a very raspy voice, and stepped back, side to the doorway to let him in. Jibran swiftly slipped into the room, and Seraing closed the door.

 “I was. I ended it. Just annoying. But who cares about me… what happened?” Jibran fiercely tossed his folders onto Seraing’s desk, and turned to the other man, refusing to sit down, because his body became restless somehow. He didn’t take his eyes off Seraing.

   Seraing slowly walked to his bed, and sat on it. His eyelids were halfway closed, but because of the long eyelashes, his eyes were fully covered from this higher viewpoint, standing above him. From this angle… he looked half-dead. He leaned to the wall behind him, shoulders sagged, as if he was ready to collapse and lose consciousness in the next moment. He folded his arms around himself.

 “Nightmare. I don’t even know where to start…”

   Jibran changed his mind: he took the nearby chair and turned it, leaning on the backrest and wrapping his arms around it. From this position, he could see the young Judge’s eyes better.

 “Are you not feeling well? Maybe you should rest first. Do you want me to bring you some food?” Jibran urged the man, ready to stand up again, despite him just sitting down. Seraing looked at him, and finally, he smiled a bit more widely but not for long, as if his facial muscles were also too tired to keep the corner of his lips curled.

 “I’m fine. I will eat and rest later. Have you seen the Colonel?”

Jibran pressed his lips together.

 “Yeah, I’ve seen him.” He spat this out. “Having his great time with that white thing every night. Must be an extraterrestrial experience bedding a mass of white strands.”

Seraing breathed out a short laugh.

 “Don’t be angry. He had done enough to deserve some happiness.”

 “And what did you do to deserve his ignorance?” Jibran couldn’t keep his voice low; it just pressed him from inside. The frustration that had been building up in the past three days, since he got the message from Seraing, saying: “please take care of the Colonel from now on” almost gave him a heart attack; then learning about how that bastard Lu Feng used Seraing’s gun to shoot Thomas Wright, the brightest weapon engineer in the base… just for a little bit, he started to hate Lu Feng as well, as if the demonstrations were affecting his mind.

 “He couldn’t be locked up in jail.” Seraing said quietly, not joining in his rage. He was as calm as ever. But also… there was a hint of sadness in his voice. Jibran swallowed his anger. “You know that. Everyone knows that. They just wanted a replacement again, this way they could vent out their feelings towards the Colonel. And it was my gun regardless.”

 “This is bullshit,” Jibran said, and not only his voice but his body trembled slightly too. He gripped his own elbows very hard to keep it together. “You don’t have to be a sacrifice for Lu Feng.”

 “I wanted to be. And they’ve accepted it. I knew what I was doing. At least… they left the Colonel alone. He’s much more important than me. You know that well too, right?

   Jibran felt nauseous again, and the corner of his mouth twitched. Unable to answer, he just looked away from the young Judge. Seraing waited for him patiently, and then quietly sighed.

 “Doctor, I appreciate your kindness. I know you’re looking out for me. It makes me feel a lot better. This is why you were the one, whom I messaged first when I got back here. But please, don’t turn on the Colonel. I… I can’t do more for him… This was the only way I was useful for him now… Please, help him as well. I don’t think he did wrong, but he is unaware of how to handle situations like this. He just endures them. He needs us. You, too. Please…”

   Jibran felt as the rage in his body slowly dissipated, leaving some tired, uncomfortable cramps in his stomach.

 “I know.” He said in a hoarse voice. “Sorry… I got overwhelmed. I’m not going to betray him.”

 “Thank you. And… I have another favour to ask.” Seraing’s seemed somewhat more energetic, or just Jibran imagined it. “Please, don’t beg for the Colonel’s kindness for me. It does make me happy, but you don’t need to do it. So, if possible… please, don’t discuss my trial with him. I will tell him everything that happened. Don’t make him feel bad.”

   Initially, Jibran felt a tiny warmness on his face and almost looked away, when he realised what Seraing was talking about – how he scolded Lu Feng while they were on their way back from the wilderness a few weeks ago – but now that his intercession was revealed, he felt embarrassed.

 “Hmh… I was only speaking the truth.”

 “I know, and it feels heart-warming. But you don’t have to. Please, don’t argue with him over me. I can handle him on my way.”

 “Alright, alright, got it… Tsk.” Jibran clicked with his tongue in displeasure. “Still… this killing… only this one…”

 “It’s over now, we cannot change the past.” Seraing smiled again, without any happiness in that smile. “And soon enough it doesn’t matter. The doctor is the living example that we are all about to mutate soon.”

   Jibran tensed a little bit. The urge to say something positive was there – he absolutely hated to see Seraing this depressed and negative – but he couldn’t give him any progress with his own experiment. That stupid spore was not giving him anything. He stared at his own screen all day, looking at the same numbers that were not changing at all, no matter what they’d done to the sample. The disappointment in himself was so great, that he silenced, and for a little while the two of them stayed that way.

 “The Trial Court is about to be dismissed,” Seraing had spoken abruptly. Jibran was startled, and looked at the young Judge. His eyes widened. “Or at least, our authority will be changed drastically. You know… this incident… was just an alibi for the United Front Center and the higher-ups. They hit two birds with one stone. These three trials that we had in the last three days… were held to break down the Trial Court, not because a scientist was shot with my gun.”

 “Wait… are they just going to erase the Trial Court? They can’t do that.” Jibran’s voice had risen up. “The Trial Court is still part of the Lighthouse too, not just the military.”

 “First I thought, they just wanted to give some snacks to the civilians to prevent a rebellion.” Seraing said with a deep sight, and looked over his room. “Well, they were doing that too. They couldn’t use the Colonel, but I was still a good choice. Everyone knows my name and position. The military was annoyed by the last few days’ events. They don’t really care for the people though. They let them watch the trial once, and spent a few questions on the shooting. And after that, everything happened behind closed doors. They wanted to use this opportunity to make the Arbiter irrelevant. Our authority to decide about someone’s life, our principles, our working methods, our learning processes… They haven’t even mentioned that doctor anymore; they wanted me to betray the Trial Court, basically.”

   The doctor frowned as he processed all this information. This wasn’t any new either, but indeed, the military had never dared to go this far before.

 “What about the others?” Jibran asked. “Were they summoned to the court as well? Only Lu Feng escaped?”

 “Thank God, no…” Seraing closed his eyes and rubbed them; he really seemed sleepy now. “It was just me. They had no reason to bring the others to the court… They still can’t just do whatever they want… Also, there is… something else…”

 “What is it?” The doctor squinted; he didn’t like the shame on Seraing’s face that he emitted with his turning-down look and drawn-out mouth.

 “Before the shooting happened…” Seraing had spoken much more quietly; Jibran had to lean forward to hear him. “I was talking to the Colonel about something. I’m not sure, if he did investigate it or not, he might have forgotten… I was checking our database on our main computer… and someone unfamiliar logged in at some time. I wasn’t able to follow back to its source.”

 “An anonymous user?” Jibran asked, confused. “Is that even possible?”

 “No matter who did it; they probably had great talent in computer programming,” Seraing murmured, and now it seemed as if he was… angry. Although, he didn’t show harsh emotions and his face was still rather dropped and blank by tiredness… Jibran just realised, he never saw Seraing angry. “I was about to ask the Colonel to contact the military because only they have programmers if there is still any. But… well… the Colonel decided to shoot someone…”

 “Hm.” Jibran sighed, and still felt briefly confused, not seeing the connection between these points. “That seems to be a nuisance. Maybe the system itself had a little breakdown, didn’t it?”

But just in the next moment he found out that Seraing didn’t finish the story yet.

 “I wanted to believe this.” Seraing nodded, and a light smile appeared on his face. “But today… not long before they let me out… I heard that they got some news. An important piece of information leaked from one of our old folders.”

Jibran’s back tensed, and he straightened himself.

 “What information?” He asked hurriedly. Seraing once again closed his eyes, and from his grimace, it seemed he was in pain.

 “You will find out soon enough. It was not something they asked from me, while they were interrogating me. It seems like the information is already out on the streets. Well, surprisingly, this actually helped me to come out sooner, because they dropped my case to pay attention to this new one.”

   The doctor stayed silent. This was the first time that Seraing didn’t openly answer to his question, and he really wanted to ask, but if this was such a big event, he decided to respect the young Judge and let him be. Rumours spread faster than distortion these days, so he was certain if Seraing says, the information is out there, it will reach them in no time.

   As he settled with his decision, suddenly something nailed into his brain and swiftly woke up from his slight slumber.

 “Interrogation?” Jibran asked in a sharper tone. “Wasn’t this just some trials?”

 “Well, yes, it mostly was, but of course, it was more like an interrogation.” Seraing’s laugh was dry. “They didn’t care about my confession regarding the shooting, they only hoped that if they put some pressure on me, I was going to talk about my job. As I said, the sole purpose of keeping me in jail was to break me, nothing else.”

   Jibran started to feel cold in his limbs before it spread out onto his entire body. He knew the interrogation methods of the military, he witnessed it many times before, and now he felt weakness in his muscles, as he slowly started to realise, what was this young Judge talking about. By a sudden urge, he jumped on his feet.

 “Did you get hurt?”

   A shadowy curtain seemed to fall onto Seraing’s eyes, and he looked away once more, not moving a single finger. This only made Jibran’s organs cramp, and the rush of his blood echoed violently in his ears.

 “Stand up.” His voice felt chilly even for himself. “Do you hear me?”

 “I’m fine. They didn’t go too far. No need…”

 “Shut up. Let me see.”

   Seraing sighed deeply, and after plenty of seconds of contemplation, he slowly straightened his back and started to remove his jacket, sliding closer to the edge of the bed. While waiting for his prolonged movements to finish the undressing, Jibran felt like he wanted to run somewhere, punch someone or just shout as loud as he could. The fact that he had to swallow everything, keeping it down, made him feel sick again. Both of his hands curled into a fist and he couldn’t take his eyes off of the young man.

   Seraing finally put down his jacket and shirt as well, and while he stood up, he removed the undershirt too. Jibran suddenly realised how close they stood to each other, and stepped back, and couldn’t help but look at the other man’s chest.

   Seraing was a beautiful man, not just on his face. Subtle muscles were running through his body; they weren’t too visible until he made some movements when they were stretching and squeezing under his skin. He was a fine-looking lad, with bare, white skin, wide shoulders and narrow waist, but because of his height, his features were well-balanced.

   But before Jibran could go sidetracks with his thoughts, Seraing turned his back to him, and all the steaminess he developed in the last thirty seconds disappeared, leaving a cold shock and shiver in his body.

It wasn’t just electrocution.

   Jibran knew those symptoms, the lightning-like shape of the purple marks as if a plant’s root had just appeared under the skin – Seraing had some of those around his spine, but they were light and were covered with bigger, darker spots that were caused by something dull and solid… like a baton.

 “So they didn’t go too far, huh?” He whispered, and with his body shaking, his words trembled too and his eyes started to sting.

 “I was lucky. I was able to keep a straight face under the electrocution, so they finished it after a few minutes. Then after they hit me a few times, one of them actually realised, that if I’m showing this to the Colonel that might be bad, so they stopped. It probably looks way worse than it feels.” Seraing’s voice, however, seemed to be careless. “Don’t panic, doctor… I really am fine. A few days and these marks will…”

   Seraing’s words were halted, and he was startled when Jibran put his fingers onto him. But then the doctor saw how goosebumps were spreading through the entire back of the man as a response to his touch. As his palm rested on one of the marks, he felt Seraing’s whole body relaxing, slightly leaning into the touch. His skin was hot, maybe because of the wounds, while Jibran’s fingers were icy and shaky. He slowly stroked the well-defined muscles upwards, to the shoulder blades and a bit above too, touching every single mark carefully, not pressing it too hard.

 “Do you have any ointments?” Jibran spoke quietly, but they stood close enough for Seraing to hear. The young man cleared his throat.

 “In… in my wardrobe.” His voice was still very raspy.

   Jibran swallowed, and withdrew his hands. As he turned away, he started to look for the first aid box that was used once in his presence, when his arm got wounded. Just when he went away from the Judge, he realised how hot his face felt and how fast his heart was pumping his blood.

   Don’t be like that – he scolded himself, and tried to pour his focus into the searching of the ointment’s bottle. He is injured… He is injured, so he needs to be taken care of. That is all. Don’t use this situation… this is not the right time… you know, he doesn’t like when you’re approaching him at the wrong time.

   As he settled with himself and felt like he was ready to go back, he quickly returned to the young Judge. He didn’t turn in his direction, just stood beside the bed, where Jibran left him, with the usual straight back and probably with the usual stoic face. Jibran was glad that it was Seraing’s back that got hurt because he wasn’t sure if he could manage to treat his wounds face-to-face.

   He applied the cream onto the warm skin. It was a bit oily and made his hand slip faster on Seraing’s fine muscles, and this was definitely not helping him to focus – he disappointed himself again, and bit into his lower lip hard, causing pain. He hoped to snap out of his own lustful fantasies. He felt iron--like moisture in the corner of his mouth.

Damn it. He was so thirsty for Seraing.

   It was this dumb boy’s fault! Seraing hadn’t stopped flirting with him but… since the Arbiter had returned, their interactions weren’t revolved around flirting but rather around work. Actually, since Seraing left him that handwritten note and the candy, they hadn’t even met for more than five minutes, and when it happened, there was always someone else on Seraing’s side. There were only one or two calls that they made in the evening when they were able to continue their little plays.

   But Seraing was definitely present in his dreams, and Jibran felt like he was reliving his teenage years when he first discovered his own desires and learned about masturbation – the only way to relieve himself… He felt like that again; like a stupid little boy, who couldn’t focus his mind because of his crush.

Wait, wait, no… Seraing wasn’t his crush. This was just a game, it can’t be that deep…

Or… was it?

Oh…

Damn.

   Like a face slap, a shivering wave ran through Jibran’s body from head to toe for this realisation.

   Before he even had the time to come to his senses, Seraing turned again and faced him. Jibran’s arms were still up in the air, his fingers slippery from the cream and his eyes widened by the shock and the epiphany he just experienced. When they locked eyes, everything else blurred out and his heart was pounding in his ears.

   His whole body jerked when Seraing lifted his arm, and his thumb touched the corner of Jibran’s mouth. He was so gentle, as he was afraid that Jibran would break. Perhaps he had no idea how much he was right, because all the sane thoughts that kept Jibran together, not losing to his own lust, started to shatter.

 “You’re bleeding.” Seraing said with a slightly hoarse voice but very quietly. Saliva began to gather in Jibran’s mouth. That one touch… that place was like a soft and sensitive erogenous zone, sending tickling, burning sensations through his body towards his exceedingly lively manhood. But then… Seraing’s arm fell down and his face seemed… weird. He was extremely pale once again, his smile made him look like he was made out of wax; plastic and untruthful. “Thank you… Thank you for coming here so soon. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you didn’t come.”

   In an instant, Jibran snapped out of his steaminess again. His whole body froze, as he looked at the young Judge. After a few seconds of silent staring, he noticed that the corner of Seraing’s eyes had reddened, and it started to sparkle with tears.

   Reality was cruel. Jibran almost ran out of air, as he understood his words. His arms had also fallen.

   Of course… of course, it was not “nothing” and he was not “fine”. This young man was tortured and pressured greatly to turn against his own stupid boss, and endured physical and mental pain for so long. Those sharks… those were waiting for him to fall into the water, and now he had fallen and sank into it, and those sharks had finally got their bite in him, even if it was just an appetizer.

Jibran felt pain. So great, as if he himself was in Seraing’s position.

   He moved almost instinctively. It was not for Seraing but for himself too. He also needed this. He stepped closer, closing the last bit of distance between them, and hugged the slim waist so tightly, as if he was about to lift him up. Burrowing his face into the soft and hard neck… he didn’t feel the familiar scent. What he felt was sour sweat, blood and some cold fragrance that had emitted from his skin. He hated it… hated the missing of that scent and hated that he felt the torture’s smell on him.

   Before, when he touched Seraing’s back, he felt warm; now, it seemed like the man was about to cool down forever. Was he imagining his hotness before?

   It felt so long until Seraing’s arms finally slowly crawled up to Jibran’s back. At first, he just held his palm on him, then clenched Jibran’s lab coat into his fists, and his embrace became slightly suffocating. Jibran closed his eyes and let him do this. Under his own palm, he felt the strengthening vibrations and shaking, as the emotions burst out from the young Judge.

   They’ve stood there for a long time. His legs went numb already, but Jibran didn’t mind. He was only paying attention to the body in his arms. Seraing slowly started to loosen up, his cramping, solid muscles relaxed and his embrace was rather soft than tight. They still held each other intimately; Jibran felt the heavy breath on his neck calming down, and the Judge had run out of his tears.

The doctor slowly backed away, just until he could see Seraing’s face.

   His eyes were still red and he lowered his eyelids to half-mast; his face was smeared by the tears, but he wasn’t so dead-looking anymore. In his brown eyes, there was some yellow spark again. They looked into each other’s eyes deeply, and Jibran couldn’t look away – it was Seraing, whose gaze fell… right onto Jibran’s mouth.

Jibran once again started to produce much more saliva, and he had to swallow.

   Many weeks had passed, but he reread the letter many times that he got from Seraing. He just never got the chance to make the step for the first kiss…

   For the gods’ sake, this was the right time. There was no more doubt. Seraing wanted it and he wanted it too…

   Jibran swallowed again, looking at Seraing’s lips as well. He just noticed the young Judge had a tiny, very pale moustache above them. It was not even visible from a regular distance.

   Jibran’s face flushed with hotness. He was exercising on his hand in the last few weeks, using all of his illegal source materials; once he was assigned to make this very move, he was determined to at least make it perfect. But… it was not an easy first step. He didn’t feel any uncertainty if he wanted it or not, just… for a little bit, he had to gather some courage to finally… close his eyes halfway and lean forward… he felt the warm breath of Seraing on his own lips…

Coldness ran over his face, making him freeze in his movement.

Seraing backed away.

Suddenly their hug ended.

   An icy waterfall washed through Jibran’s body from head to toe. His eyes widened and his mind went blank. His arms once again fell down, and he just stood there, dumbfounded, shaking and cold; his limbs were as heavy as if they were made out of stone. 

   He saw Seraing turning away from him, and for a moment he walked out from Jibran’s field of vision. Then he reappeared.

 “You’re still bleeding a little. Let me take…” Seraing looked at him frowning and his actions and words were halted as well. His face seemed concerned and confused. “What’s wrong?”

   Jibran couldn’t speak. His brain couldn’t make his throat and vocals work; he was still unable to move. But he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to speak a single word anymore. Slowly, the excruciating misery washed out all the warmness of his soul. These feelings began to recede into the background as unbearable disappointment and burning anger rose above them.

   Seraing observed his face for a good amount of time before Jibran saw his eyes widening; his skin tone went sickeningly pale again, his jaw dropped slightly and his face showed as if he had experienced something painful while he shut his eyes tightly.

 “… I… apologise…”

 “Fuck yourself with your apology.”

   The words wounded Jibran’s throat while they had fallen out of his mouth, as if they were lava and they had come from the core of a volcano, devastating everything they were touching in their route.

 “Jibran… please…”

   Now it was Jibran, huh? The doctor felt like if he could not get out of here, one of them was going to be dead in the next moment. He turned away and marched to the desk, where he tossed down his folders not long ago.

 “Please, don’t go… I’m… I was wrong… Jibran, please…”

   He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t even look at him, couldn’t even listen to him, he wanted to go away, not even to his room but somewhere to the other part of the world.

   Before he realised it, he was already outside and flew through the corridors. Instinctively, he aimed towards his own residence at last. His communicator rang but he wasn’t answering; he didn’t stop until he reached his floor at the Lighthouse. Running in, he slammed the door of his resting place hard – this was a good feeling.

   He also tossed all of the folders to the floor with all of his strength; the papers were flapping and flying everywhere noisily before they settled. Jibran walked through them, and then turned on his heels; his body was so tense that he couldn’t sit down at his table.

   Ripping his lab coat off his body, throwing it to the door and hearing the dull “tong” sound as his communicator in his pocket hit the metal… felt good too.

   His breath couldn’t catch up, he gasped for air. The pain in his stomach and chest was not really fading away, but now he felt extremely heated on his neck and face. He ran into the bathroom; opening the shower a wide, high-pressure jet of water splashed right into his face, ice cold and painful.

   He felt suffocated, so not much later he stepped out, closed the shower and marched back to the room – this time he started to feel numb and his movements became slower.

   At last, he did fall on his chair, lying on his desk, swiping down everything from his way. His clothes were soaking in cold water; he felt the drops falling from his hair, flowing down on his nape. He pressed his face to his own arm, his glasses hung awkwardly across his nose, while he closed his eyes tightly and swallowed a few times. He felt the urge to gag.

This is not working. This whole thing is just not for him. All of this love-thing…

That bastard promised he won’t reject him anymore…

   It was the right moment. It was! Why else would that man stare at his lips for then? He gave the signal and then decided to refuse him again?! Was he playing him the whole time? Did he think Jibran was still joking about it, like at the beginning? Was HE joking about the kissing? What about the nickname? He still couldn’t ask why he chose to call him sunshine… was that just bullying?

Why wasn’t he able to draw that Judge’s attention? Was he that unattractive to him?

   Maybe that was the problem. Maybe that stupid ass felt the same way as Jibran: not wanting to stay single before he dies, but he only could get Jibran and maybe he wasn’t his type…

  No… no, that can’t be… This went on for more than a month ago by now… if the Judge wasn’t sure if he would want to bed him – or wants Jibran to bed him – he would’ve not prolonged this until now, right? Or… would he? He… never showed any sign of physical attraction, after all. It was just Jibran, who tried not to jump on that scum Judge…

   Jibran was startled; his room was so quiet that when his communicator rang again, it seemed very loud as if it was ringing into his ears.

   The doctor slowly sat up, adjusted his blurry glasses, and turned towards the door and the white pile at the bottom.

   He was once again shaking, but now it was for his wet clothes that he had left on, when he was pouring the ice water on him. Sniffed once, and wiped his face as well. He started to feel like crap as his anger had worn off.

   He stood up; he was sluggish and groggy as he walked to his lab coat, then bent down to peel his communicator from the pocket of the tangled fabric. His fingers were just as shaky as his entire body. Standing up, he looked at the black device for a couple of seconds, before he had the mental strength to open it.

There was a missed call and four messages. Seeing them made his throat tight.

 “Jibran, please, come back.”

 “I’m sorry. Let me fix this.”

 “Please. I’m begging you.”

   These were sent right after the missed call. And then the last one, that he just got a few minutes ago.

 “Rest well, doctor.”

KRACH.

   The communicator once again had fallen, this time around out from his numbing, weak fingers.

It was “doctor”… again.

   As if those messages pushed a button in his brain, his eyes started to sting and suddenly he realised, it was over. It was really over now.

He didn’t want it to be over.

   The suffocating feeling came back and his hand clenched into a fist, staring down at his communicator on the floor, but all he could see in front of his eyes was Seraing’s face.

Did he… make the wrong choice leaving him there? Was he overreacting?

   But no… they’ve talked about this moment, and Seraing… the person, who is supposed to be good at reading people… didn’t notice what Jibran was trying to do? And didn’t think about how he would feel if he rejected him again? His feelings… are they not valid? Was it his fault that they ended up… how? Is this a breakup? Were they even a couple already? They’ve never even kissed at the end…

 “Fuck… fuck everything.”

His own voice seemed pathetic.

Should he go back? But the last message…

   Can he fix it? Would Seraing still be interested? But if so, if he goes back, would that mean, they have to talk about their relationship? Is he ready for that?

   Jibran stared at the door desperately, somehow wanting Seraing to show up, to not give up on him, but he already did… he already changed back his way of calling.

The doctor whined and tucked his fingers into his wet hair.

 “What the hell should I do… I hate you, Lu Feng!”

   Why couldn’t Seraing be a white mass of strands as well and just sit on his palm all day? It would be much easier… why cannot Jibran have him around, like how An Zhe followed that other bastard? Why does everything have to be complicated around him?

   Suddenly he felt exhausted. He lost all of his energy; the previous rushes of emotions drained him completely, and he wasn’t sure, he would make it to the United Front Center if he goes now. Maybe… maybe tomorrow… he will see if Seraing is still interested…

   As he began to undress, fragments of their conversations before their almost-kiss floated through his mind. He crawled into his bed when he was only wearing his boxers; he couldn’t care less for wiping himself off with a towel or anything, just covered his entire body with his quilt, up to his nose and pressed his head into the pillow. His glasses pierced into his skin; he forgot to remove them, and he whimpered again, for he had to get his arm out of the blanket to put that shit away. Then, searching for his most comfy position, his eyes got misty.

   He felt bitterness. He felt shame for his own actions. He felt afraid of the consequences, no matter how much he tried to keep himself away from these deep emotions.

Seraing was in a bad shape… But Jibran also needed reassurance.

   Jibran closed his teary eyes. It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters. The world will end soon anyway. The world doesn’t care if he is single or not. It was only him, who suffered now.

~¤JxS¤~

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