An Ze was sitting on the bench, in front of the food market’s stand, a plastic bag at his leg, an empty plate beside his left arm, and right in front of him on the table, there was his application form to the Supply Depot’s exam. He filled it completely, but he wasn’t able to give it to the officer, when he was at the depot, buying some necessities for his next trip to the wilderness.

     The young man felt slightly nervous. His fingers were stroking the edge of the paper, his eyes were going through his answers again and again, as if he was searching for a single mistake he made, but there was nothing. The reason, he didn’t hand his application in wasn’t because he thought, he made any mistake.

     His heart was uncertain.

     Tomorrow will be the third time when he goes to the wilderness with Josh and his mercenary team. An Ze didn’t want to admit first, but… those two trips before weren’t so bad. He quite enjoyed the journeys. Not the fights – he wasn’t able to hold a single gun, let alone shooting at anything anyway. But the wilderness wasn’t that ugly or dangerous, as he thought it will be. Josh kept his promise, they only went to Flatland 1, and then to a city ruins, or better to say, a village ruins, and An Ze found some beauty in both. Those places had some… attractive loneliness and vastness to them, an eerie atmosphere that he could’ve enjoyed even longer, if he had the time for it.

     However…

     It still wasn’t that great. The fear of the monsters, the narrow places in the armored car, the strangers, who were far from being his friends or comrades, unlike to Josh, who earned their respect with his actions – An Ze was only doing administrative works, he had no outstanding qualities to make a good impression on their teammates. An Ze just felt uneasy by all of this.

     No… that wasn’t the full – or the main – reason.

     He was worried, that he will mess up something in a very banal way, and gets into a big trouble.

     An Ze was always unnoticeable.

     In the past, it made him feel sad and lonely. His grades as a kid were quite good, but he missed to get sorted into Class A with only a few points. The military didn’t even look at him, for being too small, not so athletic, and not even a tiny bit skilful in any physical activities. He didn’t even have many friends, despite he always approached people with carefulness and kindness – maybe that was the problem, he was just too quiet and reserved. Not having exceptional talent in anything, not being clever enough to get a good place in life, and having no social connections, this was just too much for a ten year old boy, when he was sent to the Outer City, and no one adopted him.

     Sometimes he just wished to disappear completely, for being so worthless to others. He even wondered why the base is keeping him alive.

     However, as time passed, this sadness and loneliness turned into a sort of calmness for two reasons. The first was that he perhaps got accustomed to his own existence, and it filled him with the feeling of whatever happens, it doesn’t really matter. And the second was that he realised, this situation is giving him much more peace in life.

     Being invisible to others became quite pleasant to him. He was able to avoid many arguments or trouble, he wasn’t bothered by unwanted visitors, and he still had Josh somehow, as his only friend. Although, his paycheck he got from the City Affair’s Office wasn’t so great, he always had to live carefully, and he knew, he won’t be able to live like that forever – this was just another reason for a job-upgrade, to gain even more peacefulness, in which he felt so comfortable.

     To not feel this worthlessness anymore. To not feel like he is wasting the base’s resources. To not wish to die anymore.

     He convinced himself many times, “ this is not even that bad.”

     His lack of outstanding presence also made him able to pass by any Judges before.

     He never made a single contact with them, for not leaving the Outer City, until his first trip with his new mercenary team a few months ago.

     It was not just the first time leaving the base, but also the very first one of being trialed, when they’ve came back.

     That event… turned his table a little bit. Maybe he was just deceiving himself until that point about his own acceptance. But finding himself in that situation, he felt an indescribable amount of anxiety, which he never experienced before. He was shocked by his own feelings, as he had to face with the Judges and their questions. Not as if he wasn’t able to answer. He managed to keep a straight face and steady, low and calm voice. But every inch in his body were stiff; his palms and foot were soaking in cold sweat.

     This was also his first time feeling the unbearable longing for going back to his non-existing presence, and hide behind that translucent wall, that protected him for so long.

     When he tried to speak about this with Josh, his friend laughed, and brushed it over with a smile. “My first time was just like that! It is just a bit of nervousness, you will get used to it.” he said, and paid no attention for this matter. An Ze believed him.

     But the second time they got back from the wilderness wasn’t any easier; in fact, he started to get nervous much earlier, knowing what type of feeling he was going to experience soon.

     Fortunately, he wasn’t infected at the end, in neither of the both cases. He was just fine. But he became uncertain, how long it will take for him to get used to the situation.

     The wilderness… really did not worth it for him. Oppositely, he started to feel resentment and regret, and a strange homesickness for his own flat, for his own sketchbooks, the nights, he spent over those books, creating his poems or little stories.

     He wanted to go back to those days.

     The Supply Depot’s exam will be held in two weeks.

     Tomorrow morning, they will depart with the team again. They planned to go to Flatland 2 this time. It wasn’t much further, than Flatland 1, and didn’t seem to be much more dangerous. If they manage to find a swarm of insect class monsters, the team can get some good loot and money pretty soon. In a week, perhaps? Or even if it is a week and a half. He… he will have time to talk with Josh.

     To tell him, he doesn’t want to go to the wilderness anymore. To tell him, he will now go to the Supply Depot, and make better money and life for himself, for he was not that talentless. His grades were still pretty good, just not good enough to the Main City. He still can get the expected results on the depot’s exam, according to the books he was reading about the requirements of these tests.

     He planned out all the things he wanted to say, and in fact, he wanted to speak with his friend yesterday, before he filled this paper in front of him. He wanted to… really…

     He just… couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was procrastinating to the point, where he realised, Josh was going to his own apartment, after spending some time with him, and he couldn’t call out for his name to start the conversation. It was just much easier to not say a thing.

     However, he couldn’t do this without talking with Josh. He would’ve felt terrible, if he didn’t warn him about his plan. He also knew that Josh would try to speak him out of it. An Ze was prepared to everything, yet, he couldn’t face with the moment. Josh was his only friend, after all. An Ze cared about him a lot.

     The young man startled by a sudden noise from the right. A few loud mercenaries started to laugh on something; they were probably drunk, they seemed very happy. An Ze never felt that feeling… to be able to laugh out so loudly, that others would look into his direction.

     A faint smile appeared on his lips, as he stood up.

     The only reason he came here, because he didn’t catch the previous train in time, so, he had one hour around the Supply Depot – he didn’t want to go back there, so he came to the free market to eat and drink something in the meantime. But now it was almost time, so he grabbed his bag and his paper to leave.

     There will be still time after they got back from the wilderness. He will speak with Josh right away at that day, and then next day, he will come here, and hand his application in. He still can make it.

“An Ze?”

     An Ze stopped in his movements, and blankly looked around.

     No one ever called for him outside of work. In his free time, only Josh would call him, for this reason, it almost felt weird, hearing his name from a stranger’s mouth at this place. He was dumbfounded, who could’ve even knew his name.

     He was silly, of course. He had a mercenary team now. Obviously some people would remember him, even if he hasn’t made much impact on their lives.

     It was an older man. An Ze didn’t notice him, for he was standing closer to the entrance, leaning against one of the stands’ side. An Ze tried to remember his name by the bearded face the man had – many mercenaries had similar features in his team.

“Mr Shiwa” he said, and judging by the smile the man gave him, he didn’t mess it up. For the smile he answered with one as well. “What can I do for you?”

     Mr Shiwa waved his hand.

“Just come a bit closer. I wanted to say something before we leave tomorrow.”

     An Ze nodded, and took a few other steps towards the man. An Ze wasn’t tall at all, so many people, especially these well trained, middle aged men, were easily leaned over him by just standing in front of him.

“What is it, Mr Shiwa?” An Ze asked again, after the other one looked at him from head to toe, as he was contemplating something. Mr Shiwa was a section commander, but An Ze was not in his section. Regardless, this man was still his superior, for he was just a newbie.

“Are you Josh’s lover?”

     This question wasn’t the one An Ze was expecting, not even close to that. For a second, he was unable to answer, and he felt a slight crunch in his stomach, but it quickly disappeared.

     After staring at the bearded face for a handful of seconds, he cleared his throat.

“No.” he said, but his voice was a bit higher than before. Frankly, he never discussed about this with anyone. “… Is… is it seems like to be the case?”

     For his question, the man raised his eyebrows.

“What do you think it looks like?”

“I… I don’t know…”

     He really didn’t.

     He never really felt love in the adult way, for he never had anyone, apart from his friend. He didn’t even know what kind of feeling he should look for in his heart. He cared about Josh, because he was the only one, who noticed him, when no one else did. He… did have a hunch, that Josh might has deeper feelings towards him, but for it was so faint, An Ze never felt the need to ask about it, if Josh did not want to say it, or make any concrete suggestions towards the topic.

     Now, An Ze felt some uneasy feelings building up in his chest. As if this single question broke something inside his body, his mind couldn’t get rid of the thoughts. Maybe he should’ve asked Josh. Judging by Mr Shiwa’s reaction, from an outsider point of view, it was certain, that Josh and he have that kind of relationship, but why? What were the signs?

     An Ze was confused, and became slightly anxious again. He was too tender and too lonely to have the courage to ask Josh, yet, suddenly he wanted to ask him immediately. However, this… this would bring some changes into their lives, and he didn’t know if he was ready for that. He didn’t want to lose Josh, but he was uncertain, if he could give him that so called love. Nor emotionally, nor physically… it was all very unfamiliar for him.

“Tsk… he is playing with you, isn’t he?” Mr Shiwa shook his head, in his brown eyes, there was some pitiful glare. “He had a lover in the team before you joined. Now they are awkwardly not speaking to each other, since you are there.”

     An Ze felt a stronger struck in his stomach. Suddenly his chest became heavier, and breathing seemed to be hard for some reason.

“Oh…” he said, not knowing, what else he could say. It was not his thing to judge others, not even Josh. Maybe he misunderstood him greatly. Josh never mentioned any lovers to him, which was his main reason to think, he might… “It’s fine. I am not really…” An Ze’s words were halted, and he couldn’t say, what is he not really. Not hurted? Not interested? Was that the truth?

“Not really into him?” The man filled the unfinished sentence, and suddenly made a move – he leaned forward, closer to An Ze, making him to slightly step back. In the middle aged man’s eyes, the pitiful sparks seemingly disappeared, and another type of look started to flare up in his pupils. “Great. Honestly, you are way better without him. He is not that good of a friend either, you know. Just as he betrayed you as a lover, he would not stick with you for too long anyway.”

     An Ze’s heart was pounding very loudly. He tried to keep the calmness outside, but his inside started to collapse a little bit. One part of his mind was rebelling against the man’s words. Mr Shiwa had no idea about the relationship between them. He can be wrong about Josh as well, for he had no knowledge about their lives.

     But… the other part of his mind started to think back on every word that Josh had ever spoken to him, wishing to remember something that would support this man’s statement about his friend. Would he really leave? Would Josh do that to him?

     He didn’t even know what he wanted to hear as an answer.

     Seeing how An Ze was losing his words and a fraction of his calmness, Mr Shiwa suddenly made a second move: he grabbed An Ze’s shoulder, and pushed him to the stand.

     Everything that An Ze was holding in his hands landed on the floor, and his mind went blank in a second. Why was he feeling this man’s breath so close to his own mouth? The uneasiness in his chest from before had risen up, along with his stomach, which was lifting up into his throat, and he felt nauseous. His heart rate seemed to reach its peak, and everything was so hot but also so cold because…

     But Mr Shiwa didn’t do anything more. Although he really seemed to be… worked up, he stroked An Ze’s neck as well; he didn’t do anything else just yet.

“An Ze.” He called the younger man’s name in a hoarse, deep voice. “Don’t pay attention to that boy anymore. Even if he loves you, he won’t be able to take care of you. I heard our captain… he wants to get rid of your boyfriend from our team soon. He likes you, though, so you can stay with us, but it would be a very wise move, if you would just… come to me. I can protect you. And I can give much more, than that youngling.”

     An Ze was at loss of words.

     Where did his invisibility go? Why was this happening all of the sudden?

     Fortunately, Mr Shiwa still had enough patience to wait for a few seconds, so An Ze was trying to speak.

“It… it is very kind of you, sir” he answered then, and his own voice was cracking, although, not because of the lust, as the other man’s voice. “But I don’t think I would live with this offer… I… I am thinking about leaving the team as well. I will be volunteering to the…”

     This was the moment, when he realised, that he dropped his paper from his hand. Mr Shiwa was too close to him, he wasn’t able to see, where it went, and An Ze didn’t dare to move. He felt like if he takes just one step away from this man, he will be held down even more tightly.

     Every single soft hair on his body was standing up. His fingers started to tremble secretly.

“It’s fine by me.” Mr Shiwa’s answer was interrupting his weak words. “You can stay at here, if you want, I can bring the money for you. You can just move to my place, and wait for me to come back.”

     An Ze had no intention to move into anybody’s room, but he had no idea, how to tell this in a way, that won’t make this man do something more serious. His lips went dry, and he unconsciously swallowed, and tried to lick those lips.

     He immediately knew he made a mistake.

     Mr Shiwa stood closer, and really pushed him against the side of the stall. An Ze could feel the heat coming from the large body.

“But you cannot leave just yet. First, they need to see you on my side. If they know, you are mine, they wouldn’t ask many questions. If they know, we have mated as well, would be even better.”

     The word “mated” sent some chill down on An Ze’s spine. It seemed so out of line, but also so raw. Maybe he spent too much time with books, or he just loved being literature and metaphoric way more, but he would’ve never used that word for making love. Not as if he ever experienced what it feels like to make love, but he always thought it is a sacred thing that happens between two people. While mating is just a pure, instinctive intercourse for the sake of reproduction.

     He couldn’t come up with any good answer just yet. Just like when Josh was about to leave… the words that he liked to use on the paper, didn’t help him in real life. Why it was so hard to speak sometimes?

     Then he realised, it was just fear.

     Fear from the consequences.

     He was invisible. If he speaks with Josh, and loses him, there would be really no one to care for anymore. If he resists against Mr Shiwa’s will, no one will stop this man to do what he wanted to do with him, because no one knew, they are not lovers. Many people passed behind Mr Shiwa, and no one batted an eye to their direction.

     Until…

     Mr Shiwa’s full body went stiff, like a stone wall, he also stopped breathing. He was so close, An Ze was able to feel it himself. Distant whistle was blowing in the building of the free market, and a rumbling noise came from behind Mr Shiwa’s body. An Ze couldn’t really see, what is happening.

     Then, the man let him go, just as quickly, as he was pressing him to the wall.

     An Ze was able to breathe again. He also did hold it in, not even knowing for how long.

     Then, he also understood everything by just glancing towards the entrance, and right away hung his head down.

     Judges.

     Not only that.

     He heard some people around them whispering “The Arbiter.”

     An Ze tried to sink back into his unnoticeable being.

      He never actually saw the Arbiter, not once. Thankfully, he had never been at the gates, when An Ze and the team got back, and before that, there was absolutely no need for that person to see him anywhere.

     Of course, An Ze knew, who he was, but he didn’t actually know how he is looking like.

     Maybe it was curiosity… Maybe it was a very cold breeze, which swept through him, as the Arbiter, with his other Judges in his tow, walked past right in front of him. The corridor between the stands wasn’t so wide, so, even hanging his head down, An Ze was able to see the black uniforms and the military boots…

     He looked up. He didn’t know from where he got the courage.

     The Arbiter was already passing by. When An Ze found him with his gaze, he was only able to stare at the man’s back. He was way taller, than An Ze imagined him. His shoulders not that wide, but his presence was overbearing, the exact opposite of An Ze’s presence. His black hair and the hat he wore, his clothes, his silver shoulder piece… everything was so superior, that An Ze had to swallow once more.

     He understood all the rumours about this man now. He didn’t even get to see his face, yet, he was petrified. He would definitely not survive, if this person would be at the gates, when they come back next time.

     But, surprisingly, it was not only him, who got scared by the Arbiter.

     Mr Shiwa’s face looked almost unfamiliar with that gaze he was pointing at the same back that An Ze was looking. His brown eyes didn’t seem to be brown anymore, for his pupils almost conquered all the irises.

“Am…” An Ze tried to speak, but his voice lost all of its power, and he was just whispering. “I should go now… I will miss the last train…”

     Mr Shiwa didn’t respond. It seemed like he is not even noticing An Ze anymore. Then, his superior, forgetting about him completely, suddenly turned on his heals, and he left towards the entrance with loud, heavy steps, and quite fast too.

     Before An Ze had the chance to react anything, suddenly he felt an absolutely soul-freezing icy coldness sweeping through him from one side of the pathway. It was so distinctive, as he was hit by a wave of cold water; the feeling creeped under his clothes, making his skin ache. And there was a strange, pinching sensation on his nape as well, and was covered with goosebumps. As if he was being watched.

     He froze for three seconds, and then slowly turned his head into the direction of this flow.

     The Judges were standing far from him, in front of one of the last stands. It seemed like as if they were investigating the seller and his goods. The Arbiter was also facing that way, he didn’t look towards An Ze, or Mr Shiwa, or the entrance. It was not possible for the young man to hear their words from this distance, even though the free market was unusually quiet, but he saw their mouths moving.

     An Ze frowned, and then looked at the direction of Mr Shiwa again, but the man has already disappeared. He bit his lower lip, and then glanced at the Arbiter. He was quite certain, none of the Judges would’ve notice him. But if it wasn’t him, then…

     However, the cold waves were also gone by now. As suddenly they came, they went in the same manner.

     Slowly, the young man’s system started to calm down. His head felt heavy and dizzy a bit. He bent down for his plastic bag, and then carewornly walked to the entrance himself. When he looked back at the free market, the Judges and the Arbiter were already gone; they probably went to the deeper parts of this place.

     He made it.

     While he was approaching the train station, An Ze was lost in his thoughts, and was thinking about the Arbiter’s profile, the only parts he saw. Quite nice face with sharp edges – that was all. Maybe if he would’ve been more brave to look up, before the Arbiter passed by him, he would’ve caught the coldness of his face, or his brutality, that people were talking about – after all, he did feel his icy presence right then and there. But from this far… the Arbiter seemed like just a normal person.

     He was so distracted, he almost missed the last train as well. When this reality hit him, he started to run, and barely made it, launching himself onto the last coach, when the vehicle started to move. The unwanted interactions that happened in the last half an hour were already draining his energy to zero, now he was physically exhausted too, couldn’t catch his breath for a very long time, and felt even more dizzy and sleepy.

     He was also so distracted, that he only realised, something was missing, when he already reached his home an hour later. His application form. He forgot to look for it in the free market…

     There was no way to go back, since he just came home with the last train, and he was already too tired. He can fill a paper next time, perhaps.

     As he was lying in his bed, half asleep, he was wondering, if he should mention Mr Shiwa to Josh or not. But for what? To seek protection? Josh was also inferior to Mr Shiwa. And… then he should’ve had to tell all the things that happened… not leaving out the part, where they were talked about him. And that was a whole another pack of issues.

     Maybe he should really just quit in the morning.

     Next day he was woken up by the harsh knocking on his door. He heard Josh’s voice, but he was very tired, didn’t sleep too well, so he needed at least five minutes to go to the door. Josh was already in his mercenary suit, and when he saw An Ze being in his pyjamas, he couldn’t even form any words.

     An Ze was apologising right away, and told him to go ahead, because he slept over.

     Josh wasn’t very happy – turned out his friend was already trying to wake him up thirty minutes ago, multiple times. But he agreed and left.

     An Ze just wanted to have a bit of time for himself.

     He also made it, reached the meeting point in the last few minutes, so he wasn’t late after all, but he never was so late for anywhere, ever. Almost everyone was there.

     Their superiors already started to count them. It was five unit, for five armored vehicles, that meant five section leaders and one captain with three or four members per section. An Ze was trying to look for Mr Shiwa, but for now he couldn’t see him.

     Instead, he saw something that made his face feel cold.

     Josh was also pretty far from him. An Ze almost started to walk towards him, but then he noticed that his friend is not alone. He was talking to someone, and the situation seemed very bizarre: Josh and that other boy were a bit separated, as if they were trying to hide behind one of the vehicles.

     They were really close to each other, and they seemed to have an argument. Josh’s face was angry and red, the other boy’s… An Ze squinted a bit… He was called… what was his name? He couldn’t recall it. But it looked like he was annoyed with Josh, and didn’t like the situation at all.

      Everything that Mr Shiwa said yesterday seemed to come to life. An Ze was calm outside, but bit by bit, he started to feel some kind of… emptiness. It was cold. Inside, outside, everywhere. His head wasn’t heavy or full, rather blank too.

     The time of the departure has come, and Josh was done with arguing, and was looking for An Ze. An Ze acted as if he didn’t see it, and he was also looking around. They were not moving. The members of the teams were restless, continuously whispering and glancing towards their captain and section leaders.

“An Ze.”

     An Ze looked at Josh, and nodded. Josh’s face was still somewhat red, but he smiled at him. He was indeed a good looking guy, when he smiled.

“You made it… are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry about what happened earlier. I just haven’t slept well… must be the nervousness.” He said lightly in a low voice.

“No, I mean… now. You look pale.” Josh was frowning, and tried to touch An Ze’s forehead, but he slightly moved away, and as he did, he turned his head, and coincidentally was looking in the direction of the other boy, whom Josh was arguing with.

     Josh followed his gaze, when he noticed it, but this move made An Ze’s stomach turn, and before his friend could’ve say anything, he answered.

“I’m okay.” Frowned, removing himself from this conversation, An Ze looked at their captain now. Josh stayed silent for a couple of seconds.

“I… see.” There seemed to be some trembling and uncertainty in his friend’s voice. “I… I wonder why aren’t we going… who’s missing?”

     This question came from everywhere, but in the next five minutes, all of them got the answer, and a new section commander was elected.

     Because Mr Shiwa was nowhere to be found, ever again. 

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