If he were smarter, braver and more responsible, he would’ve reported An Ze at the moment he realised he wasn’t a human. Nowadays he knew that this would’ve been the best choice probably. Although, who knows… maybe the Arbiter kept his eye on him from that close, because he knew, he wasn’t a human.

   If he were smarter, more consistent and less self-pitying, he would’ve reported the car that left the isolation wall in secret. If he was smarter, more attentive and less emotional, he would’ve noticed the DIY distraction device, which was certainly an illegal object.

   If he were smarter, more experienced and had a more solid belief, he would’ve known that An Ze could not magically teleport to that place from his flat, nor could come on foot – he would’ve known that a mutant bug had emitted such pheromones into the air, which attracted its prey.

   If he were smarter, he would’ve committed suicide before that absolutely not-real An Ze crawled upon him to mate with him.

   Josh’s memories were gappy about that night, and what exactly happened between them, but some fragments stayed in him vividly. Like the feeling when the nightdress vanished on An Ze’s body in a snap of a second, and he touched his cool skin, which was so realistic. Then, when his pants were torn apart by something with an almost painful jerk. His sides were pierced by sharp things that he couldn’t identify back then – later he thought it could have been insect legs and their claws that bit into his skin. And finally, the chilly, wet grip on his crotch, and when some stretching mucus enveloped his whole bottom half.

   If he were smarter… he obviously would’ve realised that An Ze’s figure was just an illusion. However, he didn’t know if he was used for impregnation, or if he was impregnated. Maybe none of that, and he was just infected by his wounds, or maybe all of this above happened. When he somewhat came to his senses, and noticed that he wasn’t leading his body anymore, they were far from the base, and he irreversibly turned into a bug.

This was also a long time ago.

   He fought with this insect. He fought to come out from the backseat of his car, to get into the driver’s seat, even if he long lost everything.

Finally, he came out victorious.

Not because he was smart or brave. There was just nothing else to do.

Because there was something that awakened him.

   That grassy meadow… That meadow was close to the place where An Ze died. An Ze saved him… he really showed the light in the darkness for him. The monster in his body might have been using him for years, while his consciousness faded, almost disappeared, before he strengthened up once again, thanks to An Ze.

   An Ze attracted him. With even stronger “pheromones” than the monster; he called him to himself, and brought his consciousness back to life.

   It was not the An Ze, who just usurped a similar body. Josh didn’t know where the fake An Ze could be. He was far away from the base already; he flew right next to the Abyss, so if that monster had some goal of staying in An Ze’s form among humans, he should have been there, surely.

The dead An Ze was calling him.

   Somehow he felt him. Maybe it was his remains. Maybe just bones. Maybe just a small portion of him, the resonance of which attracted him so much. This was a familiar, warm resonance, the one that he felt beside him his whole life, only that in his human form he didn’t pay attention to it because he had no such senses.

Perhaps the bug made his mind rot, and once again he was deceiving himself, like before.

But he felt it.

   He searched for it. An Ze was still here somewhere. Could be just a carcass, but it was here somewhere, and he wanted to find it. It was hard to identify its exact spot because so many other things had also resonated around him. He felt a lot of monsters, and most of the time he only had the strength to flee. And the Abyss was vast. Sometimes he just gathered his energy for days.

   Weird things happened to his body. Not long after he took full control, the monster was gone, and he was alone. He learned a lot about his new body that he hadn’t used even once before. When he wanted to dig into the fallen leaves, he grew four mammal-like legs. When he wanted to eat, he didn’t eat pollen or such, like other bugs, but he could catch lizards or birds, and crush their bones with a strong jaw – his vision was impeccable even in the deepest darkness, he found prey everywhere. He could fly, but it wasn’t necessary, and at last, he spent more time on the ground. First, it did not occur to him that his form had changed regarding his needs, he only found out later.

   However, the creatures of the Abyss were much, much stronger than him. And fate put other obstacles in his path.

Darkness…

Despite how many eyes he had, he lost his sight in all of them, in a fight with a vine.

WITH A FUCKING VINE!

   Some poison splashed on his body from the vine, and even if it did not pass through the chitin armour that covered his body, his eyes all fell victims to it.

   Starting from that point, immeasurable pain followed his days. Eating had also become difficult. His world was completely different now, yet he was still the same useless nobody, like once he had been as a human.

   He couldn’t see a thing. Only darkness enveloped him, and noises, insanely loud noises, and smells, and the feeling that An Ze was calling him. These were the things left for him, he could follow only them.

   Then, he was attacked again. Not because they wanted to eat him; he just stumbled into something, which didn’t like him around. He couldn’t decide what type of monster it was, but something pierced him, and cut him in multiple spots.

   The blood loss was severe. He will not have the time even to find An Ze. He will never be able to be with him anymore. He will never get his forgiveness. He couldn’t even get the monster An Ze’s forgiveness.

Then…

In the sea of his fading consciousness, he once again heard voices.

Not predator voices. Human voices.

Until a terrifyingly familiar feeling rose up in his chest unexpectedly.

AN ZE!

   But no… he realised right away that he was wrong. It was very familiar to him. The voice became more and more familiar too – it was An Ze’s voice! But it wasn’t him. His vibrations… were different.

Then he understood.

He was stunned.

   He didn’t expect to meet with this monster, which impersonated An Ze ever again. Although now, that he had non-human senses, he could feel without eyes that not even the slightest threat emanated from the monster. It wasn’t evil, in fact, it was quite warm too, differently warm than the original An Ze, but rather friendly than aloof.

It rained.

   Josh didn’t understand the human words first. After such a long time, despite, he spoke the language, it was almost like the act of speaking was unknown to him. Then, after a while, he noticed that he knew what they were chatting about.

About some cave and its strange shape.

   Josh also realised that the monster An Ze had taken him into his arms. Yet moving hurt a lot, his whole body ached from his wounds. There was no cure.

An Ze…

   He wanted to call him, but of course, he had no chance. Then An Ze put him somewhere. Josh got frightened. He didn’t really know, what he hoped for from this fake An Ze, but he didn’t want to be far from him. Even though, he could say with almost full certainty that the monster An Ze didn’t recognise him. How he could recognise him. He already didn’t recognise him really, when he saw him in human form… What did he say again? He lost his memories because of a poisonous mushroom? Such an interesting excuse.

Josh tried to crawl towards him, but he had zero strength.

A touch… suddenly his leg was being touched.

   Josh lifted his head, and looked in the direction of An Ze. He was there, came closer to him again. Did he want to comfort him? Help him? Or they were ready to eat him?

   Then, something very delicate, a slightly tickling feeling covered him. Something patched his wounds, but of course, it was useless. His leg twisted when he wanted to go there, but it cost too much effort, and the pain overrode his wish to move. This won’t work.

   He understood clearly all the following words now – the place where they were in echoed a little bit, and from this and the dry coolness, he realised that they indeed entered into some cave. The smell of rotting wood and a strange, wet wall-like stench mingled together.

   He didn’t specifically understand the conversation. It seemed like the two people – or the person and the fake An Ze – were talking about something only they knew, the topic didn’t carry much information for him. However, the voice of the human also became more and more familiar. He didn’t hear it much, so he couldn’t figure it out before.

   Then everything made sense suddenly. Of course, it was the Arbiter. Now he remembered how this man threatened him with throwing him into prison. This was the only time they spoke, and the only reason he had any memory of him because it happened not long before he lost his human shape.

   Soon, warmness started to radiate towards him from a certain spot, and he heard the noise of the flames. This felt good, although the pain didn’t decrease, it still made his bones numb, and burnt his leftover muscles. On top of that, he started to feel cold inside from the huge blood loss. The monster An Ze went away, but the space wasn’t so spacious, so he was still close. At least he was there.

 “Will I be able to find An Ze?”

   Josh almost believed the question had left his mouth. It was so hard to think anymore; he forgot again that he couldn’t form human voices, yet the question appeared in his mind multiple times before.

Finding An Ze.

   So… it was not only him who was searching for him? Even the fake An Ze was looking for An Ze? But why?

Then another segment of the conversation hit his ears.

 “The cave entrance may have been covered up by mushrooms, flooded with water, or collapsed by large monsters fighting… And sometimes even the caves themselves are alive. They’ll wake up, and then leave. But I still want to search. This is something I promised to An Ze. Although he didn’t know. Then let it be a promise I made to myself.”

Before Josh could think of anything, the answer had already come.

 “He won’t be angry because you were late in finding him.”

   Ah. If he was a human, Josh’s eyes would’ve teared up. Promises to An Ze… broken promises… according to this, was it not only him who had those? All of a sudden, he regretted that he ran away that day from the residential building. No, he regretted that he didn’t get to know the monster better, to know what exactly happened to An Ze. The fake An Ze’s voice and words seemed as if close, gentle feelings bonded him with An Ze.

   Well, this wasn’t particularly surprising. Even if An Ze didn’t know of himself, and a lot of people didn’t know either, because he was so antisocial… But he was undoubtedly lovable. Pure, non-judgemental, supportive and lenient.

   Even a monster from the Abyss was able to grow feelings for him. This was exactly the An Ze Josh knew. Suddenly, a great sense of loss enveloped him. He missed An Ze.

An Ze, where are you?

 “Have… have you ever made a promise to someone that you couldn’t keep?”

   Josh shivered. So interesting that the two other’s topic of conversation was resonated with his thoughts and feelings. As if he was also their teammate, and would’ve sat with them at the campfire, and chatted with them about things that they usually do before dying, about repentance and mistakes.

   Maybe he wasn’t the worst in the world. Maybe others would feel the same, that they failed something, that they lost someone’s trust over an unkept promise. Maybe others committed betrayal by cowardice, or made mistakes, that they regretted.

 “Yes.”

   Even the Arbiter. This man, who was hated by many, and loved by many. Who was always above everyone, as if he had any right to be more than other people.

Even he had broken promises.

   Then… maybe it’s not even a problem if he wasn’t absolved by anyone, right? Perhaps the monster An Ze didn’t recognise him, and he couldn’t comfort him, perhaps An Ze didn’t come back from death, and he didn’t find his bones at the end… but then, now everything is alright, right?

   This task was waiting for someone else anyway, who also made a promise to An Ze. It’s even better that he didn’t find him, so he didn’t take the chance from someone else to keep his promise. At least he could be reassured that An Ze’s memory and remains, that were somewhere here, in this endless forest, would not left behind, would not be forgotten. At least someone else will fulfil this wish instead of him, since he can’t find him. There would be no unfinished business left, even if he died.

   Perhaps, despite committing many bad things, and despite how weak personality he had, he wasn’t a monster. He lived in an insect-hybrid’s body, and his soul wasn’t pure, but he was only as bad as anyone else. Even the mighty Arbiter wasn’t better than him. There was no one else like An Ze.

He suddenly calmed down. The pain disappeared.

   Then he felt like he fell apart into a million pieces. As if he took off a heavy military cloth, and this act freed him. He ascended. At once, he was able to see again. He saw green lights, and then he realised, he was the green light.

   He saw a church, a very threadbare, crumbling, almost unrecognisable building’s interior. Burnt embers in the middle, and two figures, embracing each other while looking in his direction, as if they were seeing him. Their faces were unfamiliar to Josh. He knew, who they were, but in reality, he had no idea what kind of creatures they were. He never knew any of them, only heard about them from afar. Yet, they were looking at each other for a fleeting moment.

   Then, warm thoughts flooded his mind at once, and the green light brightened up for one last time when he remembered An Ze. An An Ze, who laughed with him, ate with him, chatted with him; who smiled at him, who said, “it’s okay, we will figure it out together”. He saw a child An Ze, who sat by himself, and who was accompanied by him, who drew with him, then an An Ze, with whom he stumbled upon in the street, and helped him bring stuff up that he bought in the Supply Depot – of course, it was a bunch of heavy, boring books. He saw An Ze chewing on his pen, while he reread his own poem, then An Ze, as he was running towards him while waving a newspaper when they published his first work. His happiness was infectious, and they celebrated together, Josh even could hug An Ze, and it was not weird or inappropriate to hold him in his arms.

With this hug, he dispersed, and left the mortal world.

Previous

*Notes:

Spoiler for those who haven’t read The Lion Queen, or the Accidental or First Encounter: do you still remember about the Poet and Shun, whom escaped from the Outer City under the cover of the night, and tried their luck in the wilderness? Do you remember that Josh had a lover? Do you remember that the mushroom An Zhe lost his spore in a grassy meadow at the edge of the Abyss? These matches are not coincidences, since I’m writing fics that can fit into the main story, thus they are canon compliant, I connected my fanfics in this world as well.

But from now on this will be the last piece of this Encounter-series for a while. My next fic probably would stay farther from these a bit. However, if you find some matches in that as well, don’t be surprised. ;)

Inspirational lyrics: Alan Walker - Faded

Link (reworked by Xiao Zhan (Wei Wuxian)): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G91Pbomd9is

You were the shadow to my light

Did you feel us?

Another star, you fade away

Afraid our aim is out of sight

Wanna see us alight

Where are you now

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

Was it all in my fantasy?

Where are you now?

Were you only imaginary?

Where are you now?

Atlantis, under the sea, under the sea

Where are you now?

Another dream

The monster's running wild inside of me

I'm faded, I'm faded

So lost, I'm faded, I'm faded

So lost, I'm faded

These shallow waters never met what

I needed I'm letting go, a deeper dive

Eternal silence of the sea I'm breathing, alive

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

Under the bright but faded lights

You set my heart on fire

 Where are you now?

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

Atlantis, under the sea, under the sea

Where are you now?

Another dream

The monster's running wild inside of me

I'm faded, I'm faded

So lost, I'm faded, I'm faded

So lost, I'm faded.

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