It was the next day. The sun decided to hide behind a milk-like blanket that covered the whole sky. The humidity in the air increased a lot. It was so hot inside the car that they had to turn on the ventilation system, which cost a bit more fuel, but they had no choice. Stopping was also meaningless, since outside was no different, with the prolific plants around them. It seemed like they emitted mist over the land as well. The fragrance of dampness, a kind of marshy stench was almost unbearable – another reason to roll up the windows, and start air-conditioning.

   But the visibility was still good enough, and Seraing knew, that once they reached the sea, the air would clear up. At least, this was what he knew about the coastline from others. So he didn’t even stop. He kept the map beside him, and regularly checked it. He was certain, that over the mountain in front of them, there was the ocean. There were no more traces of roads; all of it got overgrown by plants, grass and weeds. However, they followed the right direction without fail until now, so his hunch must be correct.

   The time passed noon when Jibran joined him, sitting in the passenger seat. He took the map into his hands, and placed it on his lap, as he checked their route.

 “Are we far?”

 “I think we will arrive in a couple of hours.” Seraing glanced over his beloved for a moment. There was some silence following his words, as Jibran hummed.

 “You know…” He placed the map between them, in a position that was even better for Seraing to see it. “I never liked car-rides much. I guess, this was also a reason, why I’ve never chose to wander around the wilderness. I admire every single one of you, Judges – I mean, ex-Judges, mercenaries and soldiers for enduring such long travels in narrow places like this. So, I do have my subjective opinion about it. But I’m saying this objectively now, that we should stop. Since this morning, I haven’t seen you drinking or eating. You’re sitting in that seat for at least four hours. It’s harmful to your blood circulation and your spine. I know that you’re “used” to it but it’s unhealthy. And just because I’m a doctor, you shouldn’t push your limits with being dehydrated and hungry. I can give first aid, but it would be better if I don’t need to. We’re not insanely equipped for emergencies.”

Seraing faintly smiled.

 “I’m sorry, doctor.” Seraing emphasized the call since Jibran was talking in his teacher-voice now. “I know this. I’m not trying to cause unwellness to myself. But I really think this one or two hours is not that much. Once we get to the ocean, I don’t have to drive for a long while. It really doesn’t do anything to me if I keep driving now.”

 “If you think, we will arrive in just a few hours, then you really can take a thirty-minute break.” The doctor argued. “No, even twenty or fifteen minutes would do.”

   This made Seraing stop thinking for a moment, as he was trying to make a better point – suddenly, it occurred to him, that the blond man’s voice was a bit weird, a slightly hastier than usual, and carried a hint of unexpected anticipation – did he try to convince him now? Was he trying to coax him into stopping?

   Then another reason popped up in his head, and he suppressed a smile. This only made him want to keep himself to his idea.

 “My legs would not even feel relaxed in that short amount of time.” He answered. “I will be more rested once we finally get there.”

 “… Do you think, I’m joking?”

 “I know you’re not.”

 “Ah, sure, sure.”

   From the corner of his eyes, Seraing saw Jibran crossing his arms, as he became visibly frustrated. Looking out of the elevated windscreen, his beloved fell into silence. It didn’t last very long, since Jibran was annoyed. Seraing only had to wait, maybe even prolong the silence a bit to make him speak. And he was right. Only after a couple of minutes, Jibran had spoken again.

 “But I really do admire your endurance. I wish I had it. I could never survive your training at the Trial Court. When I was a kid, and I had to choose my profession, I was thinking of going to that place for a hot minute. After Lu Feng told me, he was going to choose it.”

   Seraing was slightly surprised hearing that, but Jibran continued, while they were cutting through smaller and smaller vegetation. It seemed like the plants became shorter as they approached the mountain. Around its foot, endless greenery expanded as long as they could see, and the land flattened.

 “Of course, I quickly gave up on it. I liked the psychological aspect of that job. To learn how to differentiate xenogenics, recognising different behavioural patterns right off the bat… I was interested in nonverbal communication and the human psyche. However, I never had the determination, I guess. I’m not patient and attentive enough. I’ve learned psychology to a certain degree, because it was a part of my study. But I also knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the military training, and wouldn’t have enough mental strength for the killing. Biology seemed more interesting and fun.”

 “I understand,” Seraing said slowly. For now, he was still able to connect with the doctor’s thought process, but he had no idea, why he was telling all of these things suddenly. He seemed to have a purpose with it. “It’s natural. No one is good at every single profession. For example, I wouldn’t be able do your job. Well, I wasn’t perfect in mine either. But my understanding of biology… hm, no, wrong. Biology was somewhat fine. I was okay with that. Chemistry and physics were a bit high-balls for me. I still grasp the concept of it, but I wouldn’t be able to work with it. And frequencies… I’m afraid I only understand them vaguely.”

 “But you’re quite smart when we talk about it,” Jibran murmured. “You’re still following me.”

 “Well… yes. Thanks to your explanations. You’re teaching me well.” Seraing smiled as he sneaked this compliment into the conversation, knowing that Jibran liked to be praised.

 “Then maybe you can teach me something too.” The blond man said unexpectedly. “The Trial Court doesn’t exist now, and I’m not a busy scientist anymore, I have time to learn. How can I read your mind?”

Seraing laughed lightly, looking forward at the grey and green scenery.

 “If you only want to read my mind, you don’t have to learn that.” He said. “You just have to ask. I will not lie to you about anything.”

 “Sure, then, tell me…” He started hastily, but he ended up silencing himself, as if he got frightened to ask. Seraing glanced towards him again; Jibran was biting his lips.

 “What do you want to know?” He asked in a lower voice.

 “Nothing, I was just wondering about a lot of things.” But after this, another silence fell between them, so swiftly that it gave off some negative vibes. And for now, it extended into more than just one or two minutes. It felt unusual, considering Jibran’s habits. Seraing frowned, and started to suspect, that something was up.

 “Is there something wrong, sunshine? You’re so quiet.”

 “Tsk. So, I have to talk in every single second to satisfy you? ” Jibran complained quietly. His tone was, of course, briefly sarcastic, but also sounded somewhat… depressed or at least this was Seraing’s impression. He glanced towards his partner again.

 “You don’t have to, but I can see that something is wrong.” He admitted carefully. “Are you angry at me for something?”

 “No.” Jibran’s answer came really quickly. “Or what if I am? You don’t stop the car, it’s fine for you… but you know that I can’t use this toilet over there.” He probably pointed behind them, where they kept their very limited restroom, which wasn’t even a room, not even a full section – basically, just an extendable seat that they pushed into the wall once they were done with their thing, and their waste fell out from the car below. Seraing had no problem with such things, since he had been in worse situations in the past, but Jibran…

 “I’m sorry. Do you need to go to the toilet?” He asked then, realising, that Jibran might have kept it in since the morning.

 “Not yet, but… ahh… If I knew that this car will be so uncomfortable…”

   Seraing was the one, who asked for an armored car from the soldiers; he was the one who didn’t specify what their needs were for the ride… or rather, he didn’t expect that Jibran would have problems with using this type of toilet, so he had no intentions to ask for an upgraded version.

 “I’m sorry.” He said again, with guilt this time. “I should’ve asked you, what you prefer. Next time, I’ll let you to manage the car-rental’s issue. But I think only the Colonel has such a vehicle, which has a separate restroom. Why don’t you ask him later if he could give it to us?”

 “I think you would be more successful in asking that.” There it came Jibran’s sulking murmur; he could switch to this mode very fast, at any moment. “He would never give that to me. But you’re his favourite. An Zhe also likes you better. Even that you shot him.”

Seraing licked his lips.

 “Do you envy me?” He asked uncertainly.

 “… It must be because you’re so good at reading them. You always know what to say. Such a gentleman.”

   Once again, the mind-reading. Seraing tried to understand it. He thought he didn’t give a reason to Jibran not to trust him. But after the doctor said, he wanted to read him individually, he assumed, there were some underlying problems that the blond man tried to solve by asking this. The real question was if this problem was an existing one or if he just overcomplicated something again. It was only a week ago since they’ve met after three years. Seraing still had to learn – or re-learn – how to handle Jibran. There seemed to be slight changes in his behaviour and thinking. He was more easily triggered, so Seraing reminded himself, that he couldn’t be ignorant towards any small detail.

 “Alright then,” Seraing said sighing. “I can try to teach you how to read expressions and movements. It still requires a lot of attention and practice. Once you have gotten the gist of it, it’s not that hard. After a while, it becomes like… a second language that you speak. You just recognise the patterns more easily, without thinking too much about it. For the most of the time. To use it effectively, you still have to understand human nature, and certain individual’s nature to get a full picture of their thought processes. However, it can and will be very tiring sometimes. At first, you will feel overwhelmed to keep your attention on my reactions, even after a couple of minutes. When you do it, you have to do it without interruption. It’s almost like a meditative state. And those will be very subtle reactions as well, not easy to notice them. If you are willing to learn, I’m okay with teaching you though.”

Jibran sighed shallowly.

 “I’m willing to learn. If you think, I teach you science, then I want to learn your profession.”

   Hearing it for the second time, and more directly as well, felt a bit flattering, and made Seraing smile.

 “Of course. But, Jibran… are you sure, you’re not doing this just to read me better? Are you ready to make this commitment?”

   Jibran didn’t answer. Seraing was just curious; he wasn’t trying to push the topic in any direction… He just wanted to make his beloved to confess. It was rare when something bothered Jibran so much, yet he couldn’t talk about it. It reminded him of the case of Rum. But he knew, there would be nothing like that again, so now he had no idea, what could be the issue now.

 “Seraing…”

Finally. From just this one word he knew, Jibran cannot hold it back anymore.

 “What is it, Jibran?” He asked calmly. His doctor took a deeper breath, and as Seraing cast a look over him, he saw how he was gripping on his own arms now.

 “I want to know you better. Is that a problem?”

This was even more flattering. Seraing felt his face getting a bit hotter.

 “I didn’t say it is.”

 “But I had to push you to accept my favour.” Jibran’s answer was immediate this time. And fast-paced. And louder. And colder. “At first, you wanted to distract me from asking about it. Then you tried to make it sound like it is too hard for me to learn. Now you are asking, as if it is a bad thing, that I want to read you… you know, I… for you I’m an easy one… But you’re not easy for me. I feel like I’m not doing enough. I feel like I’m struggling and failing to see you. I feel like a fool… that I confessed to you when I know so little about you. Even if you love me, my “love you” seems to be a joke, considering, how much I don’t know.”

   Seraing frowned, and started to think, that he should stop the car. He wanted to give all of his attention to Jibran, but it seemed like the doctor was comfortable telling it this way – perhaps, he would be embarrassed to look at Seraing, even if they stopped.

   He needed a few moments to digest his partner’s words. He wanted to be careful about what he answered, not to make Jibran misunderstand him anymore – because unintentionally, he already did.

 “So… you think you don’t love me?” Seraing asked at last.

 “Tsk, I didn’t say that.” Jibran almost sounded angry now. “I just… maybe it was the wrong timing for my confession… maybe I should’ve said it a bit later when you don’t laugh at me for saying it already, when I don’t even understand your intentions. Maybe I should’ve said… I crush on you so hard I can’t breathe or… or that I crush on you so hard, that my life is boring without you, or some other cheesy lines.”

   It wasn’t easy to keep a straight face hearing those lines, but Seraing didn’t want to interrupt the vibe of the conversation. His doctor seemed to be very open and earnest.

 “I understand now.” He said, copying his tone. “But Jibran… if you’ve said that, that’s just a synonym for the “love you”. It’s indeed a bit cheesy, sounds like something that a romantic novel would use to show itself fancier than it is, but the meaning is still the same.

   When he glanced over Jibran, he saw the wrinkling of his forehead, and the blond man sank into his thoughts, holding his glasses on his nose with his index finger dazedly, not even realising his own movements.

 “So I didn’t mess up the timing? Haven’t I done it too soon? Aren’t my reasons for loving you too… small or meaningless? Do you still believe me when I say I love you?”

 “Believe you? Jibran, I’ve never doubted you. I think I knew even before you did, that you love me.” Seraing just realised in the next second, he might have gone too far, because Jibran’s voice turned back to the usual, sarcastic and offensive one.

 “You smartass.” He said with a bittersweet tone. “You’re flexing with your skills again.”

 “I’m sorry. Let’s take it as an occupational hazard.” Seraing smiled, feeling a bit awkward, but adapting to the situation. He knew that he developed some not-so-welcomed traits in the Trial Court back in the day. “Are you angry at me?”

   When he noticed, that Jibran was observing him quietly, he tried his new trick: he had his own “sad-face” now. He was horrendous in acting, he had absolutely zero skills for drama, he was a bit too reserved to show exaggerated emotions… but he wanted to match with his love’s energy sometimes. And he learned very quickly, how effective this skill was on Jibran: his azure eyes always flashed with joy, when Seraing tried to act… “cute”.

   So, now, he curled his lower lip down, and made his eyebrows wrinkle in the middle. When he was glancing over his partner again, he kept out that expression. He practised this in front of the mirror when Jibran hadn’t seen it.

 “Such a sweetheart,” Jibran said with a slightly mocking tone, but it carried more warmness this time. “I love this side of you a bit better than when you’re mean to me.”

   Seraing made his sad-face disappear – it was tiring to keep his facial muscles in that position. But he still smiled, focusing on the road.

 “So, let’s go back a little bit. What did you want to know before?” Seraing asked again, feeling like he might be getting an answer this time.

There was a brief hesitation, but it didn’t last as long as the previous one.

 “It’s bothering me since you first mentioned it… No, it’s bothering me quite a while ago.” Jibran’s voice once again turned; he sounded quite broken all of a sudden. “Is there a problem with… Is my appearance good enough for you?”

Seraing raised his eyebrows, and unintentionally turned from the road to look at his side.

 “Are you still having confidence-issues?” He asked earnestly. Jibran didn’t look at him, but he pressed his lips together, and once again pushed his glasses up. His ear became red.

 “I had to deal with it for a long time; I can’t just make it disappear.” He murmured. “And you… keep rejecting me.”

   Seraing felt stunned. He said multiple times that he didn’t mean to reject Jibran, not even once, but he thought, his beloved person already understood that. Since he tried his best to show his physical admiration and needs to Jibran often.

 “Why do you assume that I’m rejecting you?” He asked with honest confusion.

 “It’s just… you’re still keeping up a wall between us. From day one, since I started to flirt with you. Back in the day, you never accepted my offers, never approached me… even pushed me away, when I tried to approach you. And then you acted surprised as to why I thought you don’t find me attractive. And you never ask for petting in exchange for your help. Even nowadays… there are times when you just… refuse my help. Sometimes it’s hard to understand, what is happening in your head. I can’t help but wonder if I’m really that attractive to you. If you don’t really want me to touch you. If you… don’t need me as much as I need you. It sounds stupid, isn’t it? I’m probably overreacting again. But this is my first relationship, and I don’t know how to maintain one. I feel like… I don’t know. That I’m doing something wrong. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to reason with myself, but sometimes I just can’t.”

   Jibran’s voice was trembling at the end. Seraing knew it was because his partner felt utterly uncomfortable to open up to this extent. But he was glad for it. Because he just realised: being honest in conversations was just one side of the coin. Hearing Jibran’s viewpoint gave him a small epiphany; he still had to learn how to be loose around this lovely person. His obliviousness over his own actions was causing trouble for Jibran repeatedly.

He decided to stop the car. As he did it, Jibran instantly became nervous.

 “You… you don’t have to stop for this. Go… you said you want to reach the ocean today, so go.”

   Seraing turned to his right, facing Jibran, smiling at him. Jibran stubbornly looked in the opposite direction.

 “Let me clear up these thoughts.” He said calmly, not forcing Jibran to look at him, but watching his ear and jaw, the little redness on his neck… and the slight shiver he tried to pour into his fists that were still grabbing the sleeve. “Sunshine… When you first offered yourself to me, you said, it was just a joke. Yet, you somehow managed to get offended over it, when I didn’t take it seriously. And I’m sorry for that. It wasn’t like I didn’t find your offer inviting. I told you, I wasn’t that good of a Judge. Your compliments and coaxing were very effective.”

   Jibran just murmured something, but slowly started to turn his head back towards him – still not looking at his face. Seraing just smiled faintly.

 “The reason I didn’t give in was because I wouldn’t want to have sex with you like that. I didn’t like the idea of having a quick round before we go back to work after thirty minutes. If I was about to have sex with you, I wanted at least a couple of unhindered hours, when we can enjoy each other without the need to snap out of that feeling, and go work right after we finished. This version just didn’t fit with me. Plus, it would’ve been also disrespectful towards you. You were having a meltdown; you weren’t in your right mind. It was not alright to take advantage of you.”

   By now, Jibran was already staring at him, his eyes fixed on Seraing’s eyes, his face relaxed and slightly shocked, and he seemed to be humbled all of a sudden.

 “When I became your right hand…” Seraing continued, not even leaving a chance for him to talk. “I just felt like I wanted you to feel relieved. We went through a lot. I knew you had a lot of traumas. I wanted to give you space. But I wanted to be there for you as well. It wasn’t easy though. My mind was very much full of inappropriate fantasies about you. But I would never be able to force it on you when you don’t feel comfortable. I’m pretty okay with only you having fun.”

 “But what about yesterday?” Jibran interrupted; his voice was not shaky or sharp – it carried honest curiosity. He already calmed down. “We’re not rushing anywhere. And you know that I’m comfortable with you… no, I want to touch you.”

 “Yesterday… nothing, really. I just wanted to suck you.” Seraing grinned, which made Jibran blush. “Your satisfaction is satisfying enough for me to bear with my needs until I can pay attention to them. And it’s a good practice for strengthening patience and self-control. But I’m not expecting you to do the same. I know you need more physicality than me. So, please, sunshine, don’t overthink it.”

   Jibran watched Seraing’s face attentively, drinking every word he said, and Seraing knew that the doctor was taking him seriously at this moment. Still, there was a brief pink hue on his cheeks.

 “I see…” He said raspily. “I understand now. I should’ve known… You like to do everything at the “right time”. Even now that we’re a couple.”

 “Maybe I’m too meticulous for you,” Seraing added, nodding to Jibran’s statement. “I’m not as spontaneous as you. I’m sorry. Maybe you will find me boring after some time… so I will try to change this up a little bit.”

   As it seemed that Jibran had calmed down, and was still digesting his explanation, Seraing turned to the wheel again, with the intent to drive. But as he put his hands on it, he stopped, and something just clicked in his head. This made him freeze, and licked his lips.

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