He needed a bit of courage to say this. His voice came out with a brief shiver, but he stood the other’s gaze… no, he was hungry to see his reaction. For a long time, this was the first when Jibran used this nickname in person.

   Seraing’s pupils dilated, and his eyes widened. Then, his smile turned into a grin. Jibran didn’t really expect this reaction – he still hoped for a blush, but… well, he had to admit, his try wasn’t too good, he wasn’t charismatic enough for that reaction yet.

   He also still didn’t expect this stupid man to just bend down immediately. In the very next moment, he felt something pressing to his hams and he was picked up right away… in princess-style.

 “Seraing…”

 “Hm?”

   The young man always picked him up so easily. He didn’t seem to be extraordinarily strong, yet, Jibran didn’t feel like he had problems carrying him. When it first happened, Jibran wasn’t in love with Seraing. The second time, well, he wasn’t really in a good condition. So now, he took off his glasses with the hand that was still grabbing the melted candy; he wrapped his arms around Seraing’s shoulders, and totally intentionally pressed his face against that soft and hard neck. This was the memory he remembered about, this was the addiction he had.

   And… it was there! The strong, sweet yet cold scent that only belonged to this person. Jibran took a deep breath, inhaling that scent, and his desperation seemed to be dissolving; his body instantly relaxed, and he just hung in Seraing’s arms, while he was slowly walking with him with slightly vibrating movements. He felt at home.

 “I don’t want to disturb your enjoyment, sir.” Seraing’s tone seemed to be holding back his laughter, and his voice felt even deeper listening to it from o close to his throat. “But you have to show me the direction to your room.”

 “Mnh… just give me one second. Walk slowly.” Jibran murmured, not wanting to leave this peaceful spot. Seraing was so incredibly comfortable to lean on! Now the man really laughed.

 “I understood. I will walk slowly through the yard.”

 “Seraing.”

 “What is it, Jibran?”

   He didn’t know. He had so many questions still, and couldn’t choose what to ask first. He still wanted to be a bit angry and dramatic about how they played behind his back with Mr Pauli and Lu Feng.

 “Was it your idea to give me a holiday?” He asked this at the end, with a brief suspicion in his voice. “Where do you want to take me? Pauli asked something about leaving immediately…”

Seraing laughed again, and Jibran started to get goosebumps from hearing this.

 “No, it wasn’t mine. Ehm… I mean… I might have mentioned Mr Jones how… how I want to just kidnap you once I got here, and keep you just for myself for at least a month. But it was his idea to give you a holiday. And, you know, I wasn’t against it, so…”

 “Tsk… you want to hinder me in my work,” Jibran complained, but now he didn’t feel hurt anymore by Mr Pauli’s decision. Because of course, he was a little bit… even if Mr Pauli was just looking out for him. But now, that Seraing was here, Jibran suddenly didn’t mind not working for a couple of weeks. He felt rather relieved.

 “I’m sorry, but yes. It’s time for me to be selfish for once.” Seraing said it calmly, and from his tone Jibran felt like there was no place for arguments. If Jibran ever wanted to argue about it. “However, I wasn’t really planning to take you to any specific place. But I thought you might enjoy being with just me, alone, somewhere else. Without any other disturbing obstacles.

 “Hmh, you weren’t wrong… But, Seraing. You must know that I wasn’t out in the wilderness too much before. And I have absolute zero combat skills.” Jibran stated quietly, still hiding his face in the young ex-Judge’s neck.

 “And you must know…” Seraing replied. “That I was the Colonel’s right-hand man, and went on a lot of missions with him – other than having a different personality, our skills are almost on the same level when it comes to fighting against monsters. And I heard that even the Abyss became quite mild after the Bell Toll. But if you don’t trust my abilities to protect you, we don’t need to go anywhere, apart from your room. Which is… where?”

Jibran fussily sighed that he had to look up.

Then he froze for a few seconds.

   The sun almost sank into the mountains, but it had enough brightness to light up the yard of the white towers, which were painted orange in the late afternoon. It looked like the attraction of the young ladies had ended, or just some people’s curiosity was already satisfied – the number of residents was similar to what was on any regular day around this time. They headed to their rooms after a long work day, came out to have some fresh air, or started to go to the dining hall.

   They all saw them. No one stopped them, and Jibran didn’t hear their talks, but he definitely saw people looking at Seraing carrying him, and whispering something to their friends. So much for keeping his love-life in secret…

   Jibran tensed by their looks. Not because he was embarrassed to be carried by Seraing. He wouldn’t care for any of that. After he pointed out the direction of the main building, and told him which storey he was on, he tilted his head back to Seraing’s neck, and fell into silence.

   He actually did something horrible… or at least, now it seemed horrible. He should talk about it with Seraing.

   He never expected this man to come here, and if they’re going to stay, it will be inevitable for him to find out. But Jibran just got him back… he never thought, he would need to be worried about losing Seraing over such a nonsense. The hope he felt for their restart suddenly seemed to be cooling down, and the flame might be going out soon… Jibran’s happiness broke.

 “You’re so quiet. What about telling me your successes while we’re going back to your office?” Seraing asked as they set foot in the main building. Inside, the air was already much cooler as dusk approached them. And here – there were no people. From the dining hall’s direction, Jibran heard some speaking and laughing noises, but they were not heading towards that place. Jibran kind of wished they did. He really couldn’t have that conversation just yet. 

 “Sorry.”

 “Is there something wrong?”

 “What if I’m just being shy?” He asked back after a brief hesitation. They were already on the stairs going up to the floor that Jibran pointed out. Seraing silently laughed.

 “Shy? You?”

 “What, do you think I can’t be shy?” Jibran picked a fight to just procrastinate. “Am I not allowed to feel uncomfortable showing this side of me in front of others? You think I should show all of my sides of me to others, apart from you?”

 “Definitely not.” Seraing’s answer came faster than Jibran expected. “There are things I don’t want to share about you with anyone.”

   Jibran instantly lost his willingness to cause drama, and he looked up at Seraing’s face, but he was watching the corridor.

 “Would you… be jealous?” Jibran asked; his voice slightly trembled, and his heart started to shake as well.

 “Of course, I would be.” Seraing didn’t hesitate for a second.

   This was so unexpected, Jibran didn’t know, how to answer for a minute. Seraing, noticing his silence again, finally looked at him with a cheeky smile.

 “I know I was very polite in my emails answering you, but… sometimes I wanted to fly here, and punch that Rum in the face, when you raved about him, especially since it was so rare to get an answer from you at that time. He was doing something every single evening with you, like we used to… it was really bad.”

   Jibran dropped his jaw once again, but at the same time, he felt more and more coldness, and pain in his stomach.

Good fucking damn it.

   He always wanted to hear something like this… not just from Lu Feng, obviously… from Seraing too. But now, he felt like this was the worst possible outcome.

However, they reached the room.

 “Put me down. Don’t kick the door.” Jibran asked quietly, and Seraing obediently put him down. His legs were weak.

   He needed to calm down. There was a big problem, but he… he may still can make it right. Yes, he just needs to tell Seraing in a better way… like… like how…

This was horrible.

He had to think about it for a bit more, but he couldn’t send Seraing away now.

 “I got a nice room.” He said as he opened the door, clinging to any straw that had come his way. “Nice and big, and I have a personal computer too. Others don’t have. Pauli arranged for me. It’s somewhat bigger than the other rooms as well. Even bigger than what Lu Feng has with An Zhe. Haha! I mean, An Zhe is quite small, and he can shrink smaller, so I guess they are comfortable in a smaller room.”

   He was marching into that room, and stopped at his desk, oppositely with the door. Since his windows were looking at the east, it was rather dark here now. They still could see the dark-red sky, but not much sunrays anymore. After throwing his glasses on his desk, Jibran automatically reached for the lamp, and the room was lit up with golden light… and right after, he felt like it is the right time to shove that candy into his mouth. By now, it was totally sticky in its paper; he had to bite it out from the wrapping. He threw the waste into his bin, still showing his back to the other man.

   He heard from behind when Seraing closed the door, and even turned the key, so no one could enter. That was at least relaxing. He didn’t need anyone else to interrupt right now. Jibran gripped on the backrest of his chair, and anxiously twisted the candy in his mouth. It shrank too fast, for it was so soft to begin with, but its sweetness was the exact same as it was a few years ago.

 “It’s a nice size,” Seraing had spoken in an amused tone. “I see your windows have a great view too. But your bed is quite small.”

  “Mn, yeah.” A smacking sound escaped from Jibran’s mouth. He unintentionally thought about the bed, and Seraing in the bed with him, and he swallowed by a sudden urge as his mouth immediately started to produce more saliva once again. The remaining of the candy suddenly slid down on his throat, almost making him choke on it. His face became hot as hell. No, no… focus… you need to focus, Jibran. He cleared his sweet and sticky throat. “It… it’s just… for one person… but you can stay and lay behind me. Don’t sleep on the floor or on chairs in the corridor.”

 “I didn’t plan to. We can make it work. Maybe you can lay on me as well. Or would you like better if I lay on you?”

   Jibran closed his eyes. This man… this man really did it. He was seriously stunned how effortlessly Seraing played with him in times like this. Back then, he never expected him to talk about such topics so easily. Yet intimacy with him felt natural, and it was something that really attracted Jibran. Usually, he felt like he was too dirty-minded, especially living beside Lu Feng… He wasn’t embarrassed for it, but certainly, not many people could match his “low moral standards” as he described himself to Lu Feng the other day. Good damn it… That dumb honesty. He liked it so much.

 “Either way is okay.” He breathed quietly after a couple of seconds. “From behind, on me, on you, from front, sitting, standing or hanging is okay too.”

   Seraing quiet laugh made him shiver, as the young man walked towards him, and soon enough Jibran was startled when he felt two hands touching his waist.

 “All of it in this order. But explain the hanging-thing. Sounds extra.”

 “I…” Jibran couldn’t say a word and tightly closed his eyes, as those two palms started to move upwards on his sides. His body acted as if it was a bare nerve, Seraing’s touch sent tickling hotness throughout his entire body that had concentrated in his crotch. Suddenly, the room seemed to be lacking air. “I don’t know… I would just like to tie you up somewhere, and dissect you.”

 “Oh? Dissect me? That sounds even more extra.” Seraing wasn’t frightened or called him weird. His voice came right from behind Jibran’s ear, and seemed a bit airy as if he also started panting. “Your room is not really suited for that, though. Do you have any place in mind where we can do that?”

   A kiss landed on Jibran’s neck, right on that sweet spot, as if there was a label that said “KISS ME HERE!”. A sudden weakness washed him through, and his legs almost collapsed at his knees.

He sucked the air between his teeth.

 “I-I can’t think if you do this…”

 “Then don’t think.” He heard the almost growling, deep and quiet advice that sent another wave of electricity down, making his member pulse hard, and Seraing… sucked on him right on that spot! Jibran squeaked, and every fine hair stood up on his neck.

 “S-Seraing we… we have to talk…” He used all of his remaining strength, and released the chair, pushing himself away to turn towards Seraing. He thought the young man would step back, but he didn’t. Jibran found himself pressing his hands against the fine chest, and their faces were so close, that he felt the slightly hurried, hot breath on his lips.

He forgot what he was about to do for a long damn second.

 “Can’t wait until we finish?” Seraing murmured, and his hands were not stopping at all; despite the position change, they were still caressing Jibran’s body up and down, and then slid onto his back, drawing Jibran even closer to his body.

 “No, it can’t… I h… have to tell you something. Sit… sit down on the bed, and listen.”

Seraing stopped his movements, and looked at him from close. Jibran looked away.

   Then… the young man obediently listened, which made Jibran disappointed. Damn it Seraing, you should’ve fought with me a bit more… Jibran wasn’t ready to talk. In the meantime, that sweetheart sat down on the bed, and looked up at him so innocently as a five-year-old – as if he wasn’t arousing Jibran with his excellent seducing skills just a half minute ago.

Maybe they should just have sex… one last time before he destroys everything he hoped for.

 “So…” Jibran blinked, and looked away. To be fair, it was a bad idea to make Seraing sit on the bed, he looked really inviting. Thus, he turned to the other side, to the cabinets he had, where he was keeping his little darlings. “So, the first very important thing is that you… you have to choose a number. There are six numbers, but I will only give you… three. 1011, 1014 or 1015. Which one do you want?”

   He felt Seraing’s stare on his skin, but he wasn’t able to look back anymore. The silence lasted longer than he expected, and after a half minute, it became a bit awkward. He started to shake slightly.

 “What are you waiting for? Choose.”

Seraing sighed deeply.

 “Are these your extracts?” He asked calmly. Jibran quickly nodded to the cabinets. “Which one would fit me the best?”

   Jibran never thought about the possibility that he could give his extracts to Seraing before, and for his question, he couldn’t help but begin to wonder. They didn’t have that many of course, so he only chose the best ones to offer – but then, as he was thinking of how Seraing would look like with black wings, something else just popped up in his mind. He frowned, forgetting that he wasn’t supposed to look in the young man’s direction. Seraing’s gaze had not moved a millimetre since Jibran turned his head from him.

 “Wait, would you really choose one?” He asked earnestly and a bit confused. Seraing slowly showed a faint smile.

 “I heard from the Colonel, that you’re very enthusiastic about this,” Seraing explained. “So I was expecting you to try to convince me. You don’t have to convince me if this is what makes you happy. Just choose one that you think is good for me. I trust your decision.”

   Jibran’s heart ached and tingled at the same time. He felt like crying, but the urge to kiss this stupid, kind-hearted ex-Judge was even stronger.

He just fell in love again.

   No, that wasn’t true. He never fell out of love… he suppressed it. This is why he was suffering so much, even after he re-grew his limbs. He fell too hard, probably even harder than Seraing, and he was embarrassed for it. He never liked his actions and reactions, because they were driven by these unwanted emotions that he tried not to feel anymore. But now, it came back all at once. Because Seraing accepted his extracts; because he trusted him; because he left the base and the work he loved to be with him; because he wanted Jibran to be happy… who the hell would be able to resist this? Did he even deserve such care from someone…?

Especially in light of what he was about to confess.

 “Don’t cry, sunshine.” He heard the gentle voice.

 “I’m not crying,” Jibran said with a muffled voice, as he tried to suppress the urge. “You… you would regret saying that. You don’t know me enough.”

   His voice halted as if it hit a wall in his throat, and he couldn’t speak anymore. The fear of losing Seraing in the next moment had never been so unbearable. But he knew that there was no point of return.

 “Oh, you think so?” Seraing’s voice almost seemed joyful. “Then I will guess the topic, and you can tell me if I was right or not. Is it about how you flirted with An Zhe?”

   Jibran mind stopped working after Seraing dropped the name. He just stared at the other man, his mind slowly clicking. Flirt with An Zhe?

   Then it just occurred to him: Seraing and Lu Feng probably had conversations through emails as well.

His anxiousness took a backseat for a moment, as the anger flooded his chest.

 “Are you… That little… Seraing, Lu Feng was lying to you!” But this was not completely true either, so he quickly adjusted himself. “I mean, I was just joking all the time! He said he knew I wasn’t serious… we just talked about it today! Damn you, Lu Feng, you jerk…” He laughed in his annoyance and tucked into his hair. “So he was jealous after all? What the hell… Or was he just trying to throw me under the bus? Seraing, I didn’t… I really didn’t take that seriously… I was just uncomfortable…”

 “Uncomfortable? Around them?” Seraing asked back, his face didn’t change the slightest, he was calm as ever, but Jibran wasn’t relieved by that. He knew that just because the ex-Judge didn’t show many feelings, he did have them inside. And he dared to say he is not good at hiding them, tsk… “Were you jealous of them?”

Jibran felt his face getting hot as Seraing just exposed him like that.

 “H-have you not felt like this at the base?” He fought back as a self-protection. “Just looking at them makes a person feel ten times more single than they are… I never thought of Lu Feng being so lovey-dovey with An Zhe. It caught me off guard, okay? It’s been only a couple of months since An Zhe came back, and they’re going together as peas and carrots. And they’re also spending a lot of time away from here, so it’s not like I could’ve gotten used to seeing them kissing and… and do all of that cute and romantic stuff.”

   Seraing’s quiet laugh made him silent, and he felt a bit upset over it. But more like just because he had to explain this. He was still angry at Lu Feng for telling Seraing about those moments.

 “You’re so cute.” Seraing suddenly threw this at him casually, making him get the hot-face once again. “I didn’t know you would like to do “cute and romantic stuff”. I thought you wanted to be secretive, as we were before.”

 “Well, we weren’t exactly, are we?” Jibran jumped on another train quickly, to just redirect his embarrassment somewhere. “What were you thinking? You asked about WHAT from Lu Feng, hah? Asking his permission about WHAT?”

And then… then it happened.

   Seraing’s eyes widened, and his freckled face slowly dressed in a pinkish colour under his eyes.

HE BLUSHED!

   Jibran’s heart skipped a beat, and the tickling feeling came back to his stomach. Those damn butterflies… that beautiful, pink face almost made him blush even harder, god damn it. Those extremely long eyelashes descended over Seraing’s eyes, as he turned his gaze to the floor in his embarrassment, and he was once again like a little child, who was caught while he was stealing candies.

 “You…” Seraing cleared his throat. “You were flattering me with protecting my honour in front of the Colonel. When the Colonel told me, that you scolded him because of me, I was just too stunned… he asked what happened, and I could never lie to him. Because of your actions, I thought, it’s the best if I ask for his permission. I didn’t want to be the reason that you two are fighting… You were friends, and I didn’t dare to make you distance yourself from each other over me. I’m sorry. I should’ve discussed this with you, but just… we never really got the chance, I guess.”

 “So, what if he said no, you would’ve just given up on me?” Jibran crossed his arms. and he managed to make his voice colder. But in his chest, he still felt that tingling feeling, in fact, now he was the one who wanted to say to Seraing how cute he was.

 “No, of course.” Seraing stated confidently. “But if the Colonel says, it’s bothersome for him, I would’ve talked about it with you to make sure that our relationship won’t hinder your friendship. But I didn’t really expect him to say no either.”

 “Well of course you didn’t.” Jibran snored loudly. “He is not my guardian. What would be the next; would you ask my hand from him?”

 “No, I wouldn’t do that.” Seraing shook his head calmly.

For a second, Jibran felt some tiny pain in his heart, and he couldn’t help but swallow.

 “No?” He asked back instinctively, but he regretted it right after. “I hope so…” He definitely shouldn’t hope that Seraing would do such things.

 “No, it wouldn’t be appropriate anymore. I should ask Mr Jones instead. He is more like a father figure to you than the Colonel.”

   The tiny pain instantly disappeared, giving more place to the hotness and the tingling and tickling in his insides. Jibran was stunned, and he knew, he probably looked very ridiculous now, staring dumbly at Seraing, who just smiled with an innocent curiosity in his sparkling eyes.

 “You…” Jibran wasn’t that good at keeping his calm, he knew that. What to say to this? What should he say? Is this a proposal now? Should he answer that certain “yes”? Why is this unbearable boy looking at him like…

 “But I’m not sure, if you would say yes.” Seraing suddenly sighed deeply, and his smile faded away. “You probably like the An Zhe-type of boys more than me.”

 “That’s n… What?!” Jibran’s jaw dropped for the millionth time. “What are you… it’s not like…” But then, he realised this wasn’t completely true either, because before Seraing, he was more attracted to An Zhe’s type – he always thought, he would lead the relationship if he ever had one, and never expected himself to enjoy being led by someone. “I… well he is cute, but it’s not…” For his words, Seraing unexpectedly hung his head and his lips curled down a bit. The blush was already nowhere to be found, oppositely, his face looked paler now. Jibran’s whole body became cold immediately. “He is not the cutest, and I don’t care for him at all. I like to be pampered, I like to be carried, I like to be spoiled, I like taller men, I like freckles and… He is cute but he would never satisfy me, he doesn’t like when I dissect him, he…”

   Just when he noticed the wide grin on Seraing’s face he realised, he walked right into the trap. Damn it!

 “You little… you just wanted me to say all of this, didn’t you?” Jibran’s voice was trembling. Seraing’s smile was so white it almost made him blind. Jibran felt annoyed by his own gullible self.

 “So, can I take that as a yes?” Seraing was definitely very proud of himself. Jibran swallowed again. and his fingers cramped on his arms. He looked away.

   He wanted to say yes. Hell, he wanted it more than he expected he would – if he ever thought of a relationship with Seraing this deeply at all!

   He never really thought of marriage. Marriage was rare to begin with. Marriage between a man and a woman had irritatingly lot of conditions, for several reasons. Marriage between two men or two women was a bit more popular, however… people died too easily. So, many couples just decided to live together without any additional papers – which were just that, papers, and didn’t really mean much; they knew more about marriage from romantic stories than from real life. But it still symbolised deep emotions, and it was always a big attraction when someone got married, for its rareness.

   But the issue was still there. And he couldn’t say yes. His anxiousness just rose even higher after this conversation, and he started to contemplate if he really had to tell Seraing.

 “Or is it still a no?” Seraing’s voice started to become the usual calm one. “Right… I still have one guess of what you’re going to say to me, since it looks like I was wrong with the first one.” Jibran’s stomach was not tickling anymore, it was burning. “Do you have someone else?”

   Saliva gathered under his tongue. He couldn’t look at Seraing.

 “No.” He pressed out between his teeth.

 “Did you have someone else?”

   So there is no turning back, huh? Jibran closed his eyes, and he was gripping his arms so hard that it was painful.

 “N-no.” His answer was much shakier and weaker.

 “Was it Rum?”

   An icy waterfall poured down on Jibran, and he couldn’t help but look up. He started to shiver by the coldness; Seraing’s face was still just the same, not showing any emotions, just a faint smile.

 “I never mentioned this to Lu Feng or even Pauli,” Jibran said in a raspy voice. “How did you… Are you reading my mind, or did someone else just tell you behind my back?”

 “I don’t need to read your mind after you raved about him in your letters…” Seraing sighed again, and changed his posture; he supported himself on his arms, tilting his body back a little bit, as if he was offering his lap for Jibran to sit on. But his eyes didn’t leave Jibran. “But actually, I just learned about it when I brought you back here. People in the yard were talking about him when they saw us, how you “played with his heart” or something like that.”

 “But…” Jibran frowned, still feeling very sick, but also trying to keep it together. He shall not puke just yet. “I didn’t hear them…”

 “I didn’t hear them either. I’m good at lip reading.”

Jibran looked at him for a couple of seconds in silence, resigned.

 “Oh.” He reacted a bit sarcastically. So much for his attempt, Seraing knew about it already. “I… never knew that. Was lip reading a requirement in the Trial Court or something?”

 “That, you would know about.” Seraing pointed it out. “No. It’s my personal thing. In my childhood, I was very tender and other kids bullied me quite a lot. My classmates were down for every gossip about our teachers, but they were afraid to spy on them. So, it was always me, who ended up going to listen to them when something interesting was going on in the Eden. I couldn’t refuse my classmates, or they picked on me. And so, I just learned how to lip read, because, of course, I couldn’t go back without answers. I wasn’t really a good spy, if I’m being honest, but I didn’t have much chance to get away from them.”

   Jibran almost forgot that he was currently having a life-changing conversation, and he was about to lose the person he loves the most. He felt a sudden wave of annoyance and anger towards some kid-shadows.

 “Who dared to pick on you?” He grunted. “Why didn’t you ask for help? You could’ve come to me or Lu Feng too.”

 “I would never dare to do that.” Seraing laughed casually. “You were the superstars of the Eden. How could a lowly, tender boy like me go up to you to talk? Even the brave ones wouldn’t dare. It’s fine, sunshine, I survived, and it wasn’t that bad. And they are probably already dead.”

Jibran had to admit that was true. But hearing his nickname he shivered.

 “Are you… why are you so calm?” He asked, suffering silently. “I just admitted that I’ve cheated on you.”

 “Have you?” Seraing asked back. “How far have you gone?”

   Jibran didn’t even try to swallow anymore, his throat was too tight. As the memories flooded back into his head, he couldn’t speak for a few minutes.

   He was startled when Seraing stood up, and came back to him. Jibran tried to avoid, but as he made a back step, he hit the edge of his desk with his waist. Seraing closed the distance between them, and placed his hands on Jibran’s sides once again. Jibran instinctively raised his hands to press against Seraing’s chest; his anxiousness went to the roof.

 “I will throw up soon, don’t come so close.” He tried to scare him away, and it wasn’t even that much of a lie.

 “Don’t panic, my doctor.” Seraing said gently. Jibran trembled, and felt stunned by that warm “MY doctor”. The young man tilted his forehead to Jibran’s. “You don’t have to tell if you don’t want to. Maybe I don’t even want to know the details.”

 “It… it wasn’t… it was just…” Jibran never had a problem finding his words before, and he felt insanely stupid. Maybe it was because the extremely intimate closeness and the touch of their forehead. “We didn’t… It was because…”

 “Turn around.”

 “Huh?”

   Instead of answering, Seraing now stepped away, and with a firm grip, he made Jibran turn his back towards him once again. Jibran was about to get upset over this, but then he stiffened: Seraing hugged him from behind, his arms embracing Jibran’s waist, clenching on his own wrist as handcuffs, and resting his chin on Jibran’s cramped shoulder.

 “Talk this way. Do you remember about the safe place?” The young man asked quietly.

Jibran shut his eyes tightly in his suffering. He really wanted to cry now.

 “Ah…” He pressed out of himself, and started to tremble more violently, but he leaned into the hug. He took a deeper, yet shaky breath, clenching his fist on his sides. “Do you remember that email of yours?”

 “Which one, sunshine?”

 “Where… you’ve talked about that building you got.” Jibran’s voice also had shaken. “I can show it to you, if…”

 “No need. I remember every email that we’d shared.”

 “Tsk… are you flexing?” He murmured, and Seraing giggled again. Jibran couldn’t get enough of that sound, and his heart pained even more. “…You know, after that email, I felt… devastated. You were so excited…” Jibran didn’t want to sound like he was blaming Seraing, because it was him, who did something terrible, but he couldn’t totally hold back his feelings from those days. “… so excited talking about how you stayed with your Admiral at his flat for multiple nights, so you weren’t able to answer me…”

Seraing’s fingers twitched, and his arms tensed, making the hug tighter.

 “I’m sorry…” He said, leaning towards Jibran’s ear. “It wasn’t like that. I was excited because I knew that we finally got a building for our own company. I just made a huge step closer to being able to leave the base. I was with the Admiral, but there were architects and mechanical scientists with us, I wasn’t alone with him.”

Jibran’s shaking faded a little.

 “You didn’t mention that.” He said almost desperately.

 “No… I didn’t. I was too unfocused. I’m so sorry, I was careless, I didn’t think it through. You could’ve just asked if you felt this way…”

   The young man was very apologetic, almost like he was begging for him to believe him… Jibran silently laughed, but his mouth was dry, just like that sound.

 “I was the one who cheated, and you are the one apologising.”

   Jibran felt despair. Now it seemed his sin was even greater. At least until now… or until Seraing came to the Institute, he believed that he was cheated on, so he didn’t feel that bad for…

 “I… I wasn’t in a bad mood or depressed around that time anymore, so when I got your mail, it was very hard to hide it. I couldn’t… Rum noticed that something was up, and he invited me again to listen to his music. He pushed me to learn that instrument, and I just gave into it. I knew he wanted to distract my mind. He is a good man, a nice friend, and… and no more than that. But then… I’ve noticed that he touched me here and there “accidentally” when he showed how to play… then at some point, he confessed to me. I didn’t know what to do. I was miserable. He asked me if he can kiss me, and I… I said yes. I was not in my right headspace. My mind was full of pictures of you and your Admiral, and I was… so fucking jealous, I wanted to scream and cry and hit someone, preferably the both of you. It was horrible. I wanted to cut you out of my life. I thought… it’s okay if I kiss someone else. But… I couldn’t. I couldn’t kiss back.”

 “You couldn’t?” Seraing asked as if he was confused. “Wait, that is all?”

 “Is it not enough for you?” Jibran almost laughed again bitterly. “I let him do it because I wanted to forget you.”

 “But you haven’t slept with him? You weren’t dating?”

 “No. He realised I can’t accept him, not yet at least, and we just… stayed that way. He never tried again, and I… I was still holding onto you. I was pretty stupid…”

 “I’m glad you were that “stupid”,” Seraing stated, and landed a kiss on Jibran’s neck again. “It wasn’t your fault. I messed up. You said you didn’t even realise, we were still together. Thinking that you’re single and I’m having fun with the Admiral… it’s not a surprise you got into this situation. It was not even you, who initiated the act. I only can blame myself.”

 “You’re an idiot.” The insult came out of desperation, but also some relief that had been waiting in his heart for such a long time now, not knowing if it was okay if it came out.

 “You say that a lot. Well, let it be then. I’m an idiot. I still don’t blame you.”

 “Are you sure… this isn’t bothering you?” He asked in a hoarse voice. “You still want to stay, and act like it never happened?”

 “What do you want me to answer?” Seraing kissed his ear as well, but Jibran became too frustrated with his calmness.

 “To be angry.” He said hurriedly. “To say, you trusted me, to say I was ungrateful and disloyal. To feel hurt, and then hurt me back, so I can… Are you sure, you didn’t kiss the Admiral? Not even let him touch you? Not once? I-I would deserve it, please, just lie something, or, or confess, I don’t even mind, if you were not loyal to me…”

   Seraing suddenly lifted his hand from Jibran’s stomach, and put it onto his lips. His palm was very soft and warm. Jibran had to shut up, and he tensed in his whole body. He wanted to get away from the hug and from this touch.

 “Calm down, Jibran.” Seraing whispered. “Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t kiss the Admiral, nor let him touch me. Should I go back to the Northern Base, and stay a night in his room? He would definitely appreciate it; he tried to get into my bed way too many times. Should I let him? Would that make you feel better? Just imagine the scene for a second, and be honest.”

   Of course, it hurt him like hell imagining it. Jibran’s chest raised and fell back at a very fast pace as he was gasping for air through his nose. His eyes started to sting, and he couldn’t speak, so he just pressed out a squeaking noise from his throat.

   But as they stood there for a little while in this manner, after he poured his heart out as well, Jibran’s body slowly relaxed, and his fear and anxiousness dissipated. He’d really never spoken to anyone about this. It was a rumour, of course. Rum probably told his friends, that they had something; people were expecting Jibran to “come around” in the future, and accept the Indian man. But no one knew the details or his feelings about it.

 “That’s right, calm down, sunshine. Don’t ask me such nonsensical questions, please. Sorry, but I have no intention of going back to that person. And you have no intentions to kiss or do anything with Rum either, so let’s not even talk about them, if there is nothing else that you want to confess. It happened in the past, and I am here, right now, with you. And I’m starting to lose patience a little bit… you still haven’t kissed me since I’m here. How dare you?”

   Jibran didn’t know from where Seraing got his strength, but he felt like the man just poured that strength and his calmness into his mouth through his palm. All of his worry, all of his guilt, all of his shame and embarrassment and fears… everything washed out from him gradually.

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