A painful, stabbing sensation from his knees and wrist crept up his nervous system, and he hit his chin as well. The glasses slipped to the tip of his nose. He laid there for a couple of moments, gasping for air, quietly moaning, before he was startled by a sudden, loud noise: the door had been opened widely and harsh footsteps had come with it.

 “Jibran!”

Jibran froze. No… not him, not now…

   But of course, he was. Seraing’s arms wrapped around him, and he effortlessly lifted him back to a standing position. Jibran had been lying on his stomach, so the young Judge was now standing behind him, hugging his waist and under his chest tightly… almost like in his dream.

Jibran started to shiver.

 “Are you okay? Did you get hurt? What’s wrong? Do you need something?”

   Seraing was about to turn him over, but Jibran was scared to death: he gripped the man’s arm as hard as he could to stop him.

 “Don’t! Don’t… look at me.”

   Seraing stopped, probably for just confusion and shock. For a moment, silence descended upon the dim, green-lit room again, and Jibran stared at the opposite wall and the opened door in front of him. From this angle he could see the corner of Seraing’s small “residence” outside: he made a “bed” out of the chairs in the corridor, and next to that bed was a pile of fallen blankets on the floor. Seraing probably heard the noise when Jibran fell and woke up to it immediately. He was really a light sleeper…

 “Are you not feeling well? Please, tell me, how can I help?”

 “Get out.”

   Jibran’s whole body was shaking. It was half-fear: fear of the moment when Seraing would notice the state he was in, since the desire had not completely disappeared from his body, especially now that the man of his dreams was hugging him from behind. And it was half-instinctive longing, since… yeah… the dream… he couldn’t get the memories out of his head where he was bending under this person and he filled him up with his full length. His body was raging with heat again, just from one soft touch from this stupid, gorgeous Judge.

   Seraing usually obeyed him, no matter what Jibran asked. But now, he was still holding him quietly.

 “What’s wrong?”

 “Nothing. Get out.” Jibran quietly clenched his fist, trying his best to calm down – it was never his strong talent.

 “You just fell off of your bed…”

 “It was an accident.”

 “You have your quilt folded out. You wanted to get up. Tell me what you need.”

   For the fuck sake! How good are the eyes of this bastard? How did he even catch that quilt-thing?!

 “I… just wanted to go to the bathroom. I can do it by… myself.” By the end of the sentence, Jibran’s voice lost all of its confidence, and he pressed his lips together in bitterness. His uncertainty was clearly audible, and he knew that Seraing also knew, he was not able to go to the bathroom alone.

Fuck this whole life. Everything sucks.

 “It’s fine, Jibran. I will take you.” Seraing was about to bend down and lift him as he used to, in that fucking princess-style… But then he will discover Jibran’s state… Fear rose again in his heart.

 “No!” He shouted, but instantly lowered his voice, which echoed in the empty room. “No… Just… Just hold me like this. Once I’m in, get out.”

 “What is gotten into you tonight?” Seraing sighed deeply, but his tone wasn’t really scolding, more like confused. “Are you angry at me?”

   Jibran wanted to say many things, but the words got stuck in his throat. There were so many emotions flooding his soul in despair at this moment, and maybe… maybe he was angry.

 “What if I am?” He asked in a weakening voice. Seraing’s hug suddenly became tighter.

 “Jibran… Are you angry because I was late tonight?” Warm breath breezed through Jibran’s ear and neck, which made every single tiny, fine hair stand on his body. And not just that: he unintentionally grew harder under his loose dress too, with nearly painful pulsation in his member. This whisper on his skin had almost overtaken his focus on the conversation. He had to close his eyes tightly, biting into his lips to hold himself back. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be there… actually, I was about to come back sooner since this is our last night. But the Admiral pursued me again with the issue of the nomination, and I couldn’t get off until 10. I’m sorry.”

   First the mention of their “last night” struck into Jibran’s heart, but then the mention of the Admiral elevated that feeling.

 “Oh…” His own bitterness cut into his throat, and he started to shake more violently. “He pursued you, hah? Does he pursue you with other things too?”

 “Other things?”

   Jibran stayed silent. He couldn’t say it. In the back of his mind, he knew, he was being unreasonable right now. He had no rights over Seraing. He was the one who refused him from physical satisfaction. It was only natural, that he searched it elsewhere… and it should be making his, Jibran’s job easier, just telling him, that he can go to his Admiral from now on. He also knew that the lack of self-confidence was making him say and feel these things.

But he didn’t know how to handle them. He never felt like this before, ever. He felt ashamed for them too.

 “Jibran, I didn’t…”

 “Shut up. I don’t even care.”

   He gasped for air, and a tight grip held his chest down; he felt suffocated by his own miserable being. His eyes started to sting again – now, that Seraing was here, he felt an extremely intense urge to cry, but he fought against that feeling, battling with his hurtful raging emotions.

   However, Seraing didn’t let him go. He rested his chin on Jibran’s shoulder, holding him gently, quietly. Feeling the young Judge so close to him, it really… Jibran couldn’t do anything about this. He still longed for this man’s closeness so badly.

   He gradually calmed down. They just stood there in the room without any other conversation, and Seraing didn’t leave him alone, not even for talking to him so harshly. Jibran’s tense body slowly lost its energy, his cramping muscles relaxing as he leaned against the other man’s chest. The raging fire of emotions slowly weakened and had worn off. Only self-pity, disappointment and shame weighted his stomach.

 “I… I’m…”

 “It’s okay. I left you in doubt, alone. I am sorry.” Seraing sighed deeply. “Let’s take this as your safe place now, alright? Just vent out everything that’s bothering you. I’ll listen.”

   The safe place. Jibran never thought, such a simple thing could have such a huge effect on him. This safe place method really did work. He was never able to cry or show high emotions unless he was with Seraing, who… conveniently became that safe place.

 “I… don’t have anything.”

 “Are you sure? You don’t want to talk about… for example, the travel tomorrow? Or my loyalty? Or our relationship?”

   His stomach started to burn by his anxiousness. This was the time. Jibran knew he had to say it. He has to end things. But thinking about it made him weak. He hated himself at this moment. He hated the person he became falling in love with Seraing… He wanted to blame it on the young man but he knew, the reason was more like his accident and his missing limbs. Yet, he wanted to hate something, so he hated himself, for being such indecisive little shit. He wanted to cry again.

 “You’re so annoying…” He breathed out on the verge of breaking down.

 “Am I? What annoys you in me the most?” Seraing’s question seemed to be so casual as if they were talking about the weather. Did he not take Jibran seriously at all?! “Can you tell me at least one thing?”

 “Y…” Just say something hurtful, Jibran, god fucking damn it. “You are… you…”

   His brain just blocked everything all of a sudden. He knew that before this moment, he felt annoyed. But now, that Seraing asked him, he couldn’t even think any of those annoying attributes.

   Time was ticking and he stayed silent, desperately panting for air, suffering in the strong hug. Why was he so weak when it came to Seraing, why?

After a couple of long minutes, Seraing quietly sighed.

 “I know I’m not the best person in the world.” He said just as silently. “I broke my promise to you, and I keep hurting you when you already have so many difficulties in these days. I failed you. I failed to make you feel secure with me. I made you frustrated, and you have all the right to be angry with me over it. You didn’t do anything wrong. I should’ve done things differently, not in a way that hurts you. I understand if you hate me. Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to change something? What do you want me to do that would make you happier? You can ask anything and I will do it right away. Is there something that I can do for you?”

   Those questions pounded in his ears and Jibran started to shake. He has to say yes to that one question. He has to… But once again, Jibran’s heart was shaken. These were those moments… these were the moments when he… he couldn’t disregard his emotions towards this caring and kind-hearted man. He wanted to tease him for it, how stupidly naïve he was but he wasn’t in his best shape for teasing. He closed his eyes again, and didn’t feel better at all by the understanding nature of this dumb boy.

   He lost against himself. He couldn’t do it. He lost all of his power when this person was around. It wasn’t possible for Jibran to break up with him or whatever this was. No matter how illogical, weak and selfish this was, he just wasn’t able to do it.

 “No.” He couldn’t explain himself - of course, he could ask many things, and he wanted to, his heart was tingled once again with how this person put Jibran’s happiness above his own to make sure he felt okay. But he had to cut those wishes down. Tomorrow, everything will be over anyway. As soon as he leaves the base, Seraing and he will never meet again. So even if it be causing him more suffering… for one last time, Jibran just wanted to be illogical, weak and selfish, and let the departure be the breakup, instead of telling it in his own words.

The young Judge remained calm as always.

 “Alright. I’m not forcing you. Let’s go to the bathroom then, shall we?” Seraing asked after another brief silence, his voice was slightly raspy. “Do you need to use the toilet, or do you want to take a shower?”

 “… shower.”

 “Then it’s better if I undress you here.”

Lightning struck Jibran upon hearing this.

 “No… Just… take me there… no undressing…” He said hurriedly, immediately tensing again.

 “You can’t take a shower in your pyjamas.”

 “I don’t care.”

 “Are you still…” But Seraing didn’t finish his sentence this time. Jibran was afraid to hear it, so he didn’t ask. “Okay. Then I’m not undressing you. But I won’t leave you alone in the bathroom. If you lose your balance again and slip and hit your head, you can get a serious concussion or even die. I won’t let that happen. Sorry for being so stubborn, but I just won’t let it happen. Are you sure, you still don’t want to undress?”

   Jibran pressed his lips together, and his head fell backwards, right onto Seraing’s shoulder. It felt like Seraing grew bigger in these last weeks… or Jibran shrank. Although, he was always shorter with a few centimetres than the young Judge.

 “Okay, then just… close the door. I can take my own clothes off.”

   Seraing hummed with an excited tone after Jibran accepted his help. He left him beside the bed to close the door. Jibran turned his back to him, and started the process with the speed of a slug. He felt miserable, being torn apart by the previous mental war he was doing and he just dazed off, not realising the real issue that was unfolding right in front of his eyes.

   Regardless of what happened, undressing was quite painful for him. And when it occurred to him how big of a mistake he made letting Seraing talk him into taking a bath…. He wished he said he changed his mind and wants to sleep. Because Seraing came back – and the young Judge’s hands were now touching his naked skin. He held Jibran’s waist very carefully, but the soft, warm palms burned his skin. Seraing bathed him before when Jibran was bedridden, lying motionless all day, but his hands never touched him. He always used a wet cloth.

   The strong desire soon dulled: he could only move by jumping on his left leg. Seraing still held him from behind, escorting Jibran to the bathroom, but it was slow and awkward. His fingers strained and his stubby leg kept swinging as it had the instinct to walk. He could only laugh at himself in his shame, but he stifled all moans and other sounds at last.

   The bathroom was very narrow. It was only enough for one person. Jibran somewhat hoped that this would make Seraing change his mind, and he would leave him alone here; if nothing else, at least he could just stand outside the bathroom, so Jibran could actually… get rid of his problem. But it seemed like Seraing felt comfortable, pressing himself against Jibran’s body, standing behind him so close. The rough fabric of his uniform rubbed against Jibran’s skin – it didn’t help the situation one damn bit … The man was the one who reached up as well to open the shower tap above them, and the water started to spray in a small stream.

 “Your clothes… will be wet.” Jibran tried one last time, indicating that he should leave.

 “Do you want me to take them off?”

   Fucking hell! Jibran was startled, and suddenly grabbed Seraing’s wrist, which was still around his waist.

 “Don’t you dare…”

   Seraing quietly laughed; he didn’t notice the atmosphere and the storms inside Jibran. This bastard had such a great time hugging him as if Jibran was some kind of fluffy pet or a pillow… while he was dying inside from his burning desires. Meanwhile, the man just opened up the water a little bit more, truly not caring about his jacket getting soaked, and the jet of the water finally reached Jibran.

It was hot.

 “Cold water.”

   Seraing turned the other tap too, so the hotness cooled down, but it was still warm. At this point, Jibran didn’t believe that the water would help at all, as long as the young Judge stayed with him, but he had no courage to express his thoughts.

 “Colder…”

   Seraing’s movements have stopped. He held his arm up, and his hand that was resting on Jibran’s stomach applied a bit more pressure on him suddenly.

Jibran closed his eyes, and dug his nails into his palm. His muscles jumped into a lump.

He just knew that Seraing had figured out…

 “Jibran…” Seraing said; his voice was somewhat different… deeper and hoarse, carrying a hint of something that Jibran didn’t want to think about. “Why the cold water when I’m here?”

   Jibran’s heart jumped, it started to beat much louder and faster, and no matter how much he tried, his breath became harsh and shallow. Hotness rushed over his face.

 “I don’t want… it…” He should’ve said “you”. It probably would’ve solved the problem of Seraing harassing him in the bathroom, but… his will was still weak as hell. Unfortunately, Seraing didn’t let this slide.

 “You don’t want me… or you’re afraid of it?”

 “W-what if it’s both…?” Jibran hated that his voice trembled. It gave away his lie. Seraing slowly drew his arm back, placing his hand on him.

 “I’m not planning to rape you. I won’t force you. You know, we can have fun without actually going for the penetration.”

   This direct statement made him freeze for a good couple of seconds. His face was burning. How… how did this happen, when just half an hour ago he was agonizing about dumping Seraing? How did they end up talking about sex? Should he just not answer…? Just don’t say a single word anymore to this boy…

As if…

   He wanted to answer. He had questions that he never had a chance to ask before. His thirst, not just for Seraing’s touch and kisses, but for his whole soul, became unbearable. His curiosity about the young man was at its peak again, as if he had forgotten his worry or resentment. He didn’t expect such a conversation with him, and he realised, he still didn’t know, if… if Seraing was… if he had any experience or how he felt about these things.

 “Oh… let me guess… you know this because you have done it many times.” Jibran swallowed, but his throat almost didn’t let his saliva go down. It was easier to talk when he closed his eyes.

 “Not many times,” Seraing said patiently, and for Jibran’s worst nightmare, he started to caress the skin on his belly and waist. Those tiny movements sent vivid electricity down, right into his still quite active member, and in an instant, he became harder. “I had a boyfriend when I was a trainee.”

   Jibran was dumbfounded. He didn’t expect to get this information right in this moment, and he felt humble-mouthed all of a sudden. Then, a tiny bit of envy and jealousy rose in his heart, even though it happened in the past. Then, he imagined the situation, and he got embarrassed. He never expected Seraing not to be a virgin. Damn it, Jibran was the only one then, who had never…?

For his silence, Seraing quickly continued.

 “But we didn’t last long.” He almost sounded apologetic. “He only wanted to get close to the Colonel and used me. I dumped him when I found out. To prevent things like this from happening, I haven’t tried to have anyone after that. But… with you, I never had to be afraid of this. And, well… I was a young boy too at some point. You don’t really need another person to find out things. I secretly got some porn magazines and videos.” Before Jibran could answer to this, Seraing slightly changed his tone. “If you don’t want it, I’m not doing anything else to you. I’ll be your right hand, that’s all. It’s fine for me.”

Jibran’s face was still burning; he still couldn’t answer.

   Despite how dirty-minded he was… he never spoke like this with anyone. Talking about sex openly was something that he wanted to do, but his potential candidates for the spot of being his partners were close to zero. And Seraing so far seemed to be the same type as them. Every flirt they had was subtle, never went above teasing and hinting things. He never in a million times expected Seraing to be this… this… not to be such a naïve and innocent and prude person… to have such mindset… and maybe have similar ideas as he had when it comes to sex.

   He felt Seraing’s calm breathing; he felt his chest elevating and going back. How did he remain so collected in this situation? Jibran still couldn’t handle the feeling of the warm breath on his nape as Seraing spoke.

 “You… you’re Lu Feng’s right hand.” He tried to joke it off, but even he knew it was a weak comeback. Seraing laughed again.

 “Never this way, though. And he isn’t here. I can be your right hand from now on.” For some reason, this sentence fell onto Jibran’s ear in a much… MUCH hotter tone that he was capable to endure. Seraing whispered right into his ear… Jibran’s body trembled, and he started to pulsate much faster in his downstairs. Whatever they end up doing, he will not last too long that’s for sure…

 “I… I don’t feel comfortable if someone helps me jerk it off…” He said and for now, even his voice got raspy. “Kinda’ kills the point.”

 “Then how should I help you? Do you want to use the water jet?”

 “The what?”

 “Have you never tried to do it with the water, sunshine?” Seraing’s voice seemed smiling, and the nickname totally threw Jibran off. His mind went blank for a few seconds, feeling every kind of emotion suddenly. Seraing pointed up at the faucet, and the water that was still weakly spraying on them. “You go closer to it and let it fall on you.”

   Suddenly, Jibran understood it. A hot shiver shook him, and the idea of it absolutely didn’t make him feel upset but greatly excited.

 “… T-that’s a waste of… of resources…” He stuttered shakily. Seraing once again breathed out a short, quiet laugh.

 “It isn’t, really. It’s enough if you increase the strength of the pressure at the end.” As his lips briefly touched Jibran’s earlobe, he almost forgot to breathe.

 “Why are you so familiar with that process?” Frustration and tenseness grew in his body with that excitement for trying out many-many ways how to reach his peak with this stupid man; he almost scolded Seraing for being such… such…

But it was a bad idea to ask since Seraing was currently in an insanely honest mode.

 “Obviously, because I’ve done it a few times. It’s kind of exciting. Especially when the water concentrates into a certain point and lands on the tip, and then flows all the way down behind the testicles.”

   Jibran squeaked. Some droplets had already fallen on him, even if those were not exactly directed at his arousal… But at the same time, he saw this man in his mind, tilting his back to the tiles under the shower, while enjoying the moment… This fantasy made his stone-hard erection jerk with pleasure, and the desperation to touch himself – or touch Seraing in that fantasy – had become unbearable. His sanity started to fade; he didn’t know anymore, how to get rid of the image of the masturbating Seraing from his mind. 

 “We… we have to be… careful with the… how we… use the water…” He pressed out of himself somehow, clinging to the last straw.

 “Then I’ll just use my hand.”

   Jibran couldn’t do this. He hunched down slightly, unable to resist the lust anymore. Of course, he wanted it, he really wanted it, he crazily wanted it; he wanted Seraing to touch him, not just there but everywhere. He wanted to have sex with him, just as he had in his dream. It did not help at all that the young Judge pressed against him from behind. And he hated that he couldn’t feel the other’s arousal because of the many layers of clothes. For the fuck sake, he should’ve said he wants him to undress himself…

 “Seraing, I wouldnhhg…”

   He gasped for air as an unexpected wave of heat shot through him like lightning, from the top of his head to his crotch. Without further warning, Seraing just slid his right hand down his stomach, and immediately grabbed on his erection.

   His neglected manhood jumped at the touch, and Jibran bit back a deep moan that had almost escaped from his throat. He hunched over again, catching against the tiles with his hand, grabbing it as if his life depended on it. He felt like he was going to collapse from the intense throbbing that had surged through his crotch, his leg trembled and his muscles twitched. His stomach and testicles convulsed, and he directed this hot frustration onto the tiles with the pressure of his palm. He used all of his power and a great effort.

 “Don’t hold back.” Seraing’s whisper resonated in his ear. “This is the safe place. Just relax and let it happen as your body wants it.”

   Seraing raised his knee, and dug it between Jibran's thighs, offering his thigh as a seat. Jibran was suddenly no longer propped up on his own shaky leg; his bottom pressed against the rough fabric of the man's uniform.

   He became incredibly sensitive there. His hole that stretched in his dream to accommodate Seraing's entire length now throbbed with desire. He was hungry. He was hungry for Seraing. He wanted him to fuck him with full force, dominating him until his leg went numb, then pushing the bed for another two weeks by the act.

   This was too much. He couldn't hold it back any longer. He wanted more, much more than the fingers that were lazily beating him; the skin was pulled up and down so gently it was almost annoying.

He grunted impatiently, and leaned back, his head falling on Seraing's shoulder again.

 "I want you. Make… mgh… make me yours… Seraing, pl-please.” His hips swung forward, right between the fingers.

   Seraing's grip tightened around him: his hand forming a perfect hole, squeezing him with perfect force and moving at a perfect pace, sometimes slowing, sometimes stopping, then sliding all the way to his base. There was a dull fapping sound of his movements in the soft lapping of the water. Jibran never thought that these sounds would elevate his arousal, but they did. He pushed his hips forward in displeasure, searching for the other manhood, moaning with the desire to penetrate him.

 "You're overheated." He heard Seraing’s hard swallow, and the young Judge's voice was extremely raspy. "You wouldn't last until I prepare you."

   Jibran wanted to cry in desire and frustration, but the pleasure was much stronger, and he gasped as Seriang's hot, wet lips suddenly ploughed down his neck and latched onto him to kiss him at one spot. Goosebumps grew all over him as if Seraing had pressed a button that turned on his erogenous zone. How did he even know where to find it…!

   Seraing was right. Jibran grunted loudly with pleasure again, slowly reaching that point. There was a moment when he knew the growing tension was about to burst out of him, the moment when he couldn't hold back his orgasm. It was painfully wonderful, especially when Seraing's hand stayed on the end of his penis, massaging it around the glands with a much stronger grip. The throbbing increased and Jibran's entire body writhed violently.

 "Fha… faster…" He croaked, pressing his head against Seraing’s neck.

   His wish was granted, Seraing did it faster, insanely fast, and pressed him even harder, almost torturing, but it was so good, finally it was the feeling he wanted. And his heavily engorged manhood and testicles twitched with all their might when he finally exploded, loudly growling Seraing’s name. The shivering pleasure ran along the vertebrae of his spine as if it was playing the piano, and after the intense impulses, the long-awaited relief slowly trickled through him. His throat ached from his own deep moans.

   His body had lost all its energy, and collapsed onto Seraing’s thigh; the young Judge held him securely. Jibran’s ears slightly rang and his limbs were briefly numb. His left arm fell to his side as he closed his eyes, sinking into this relaxed feeling for a moment.

   The pleasure wore off too soon. His manhood still pulsated a little bit, but his body was tired. Reality came back, once again making him cramp inside not long after his orgasm. Seraing was still holding him, and giving gentle kisses on his temples, as he was also opening the faucet more. He started to wash him down from his semen and sweat.

   Jibran closed his eyes, shivering, when Seraing dried the water drops on his body with a towel. Then the young Judge, as if he couldn’t resist, gently lifted him up, holding him like a princess… Jibran gripped his shoulder and hid his face in Seraing’s neck, not arguing against this position. It didn’t matter anymore.

   Seraing put him on the mattress, and didn’t bother to dress him up, just unfolded the quilt and covered Jibran to his chin. As he bent over him, the man leaned towards Jibran’s lips for a kiss.

Jibran turned his head to the window.

   He was startled: Seraing did not stop, even after the rejection, and kissed his cheek. Then he pressed his face and forehead to Jibran’s temple and face. It was such an intimate thing to do… it tickled him and Jibran’s eyes started to sting. Once again he clenched his fist tightly under the quilt.

 “Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?”

   Jibran closed his eyes, and bit on his lips. He wanted it. He wanted it so badly. He wanted Seraing to hug him and say he doesn’t want him to leave. Jibran would immediately cancel his trip… even if it’s only suffering that this place could’ve offered to him.

But… he was afraid.

   And Seraing probably wouldn’t ask him to stay… maybe he waited for him to leave, so he can… freely be with anyone else. Maybe Jibran was just a duty for him; this is why he wouldn’t stop him.

 “If you stay silent, I will take that as a yes.”

 “Stupid.”

Seraing laughed, still holding his head to Jibran’s. Jibran’s heart was shaking.

   When the young Judge stood up, he got frightened: he really didn’t want him to leave. But the other man only started to… undress. Jibran’s mind went blank before he turned away from the scene, but he couldn’t resist for too long. He noticed that Seraing’s uniform was still wet. The Judge took off everything except his underwear, and meticulously hung them on the only wardrobe’s doorwing to dry out. He also made sure that there was not a single wrinkle in his uniform.

   His movements calmed Jibran down for some reason. Then… the man came to him again, and even though the bed was very narrow for two people, as Jibran turned to his side, Seraing could lay down behind him.

   Jibran was waiting for the hug and the other man embraced him and drew him close to his chest, holding him in a strong hug. Jibran closed his eyes and felt the Judge’s gentle kiss on his nape.

   He wanted to talk. He wanted Seraing to talk. He wanted them to kiss. But he had no courage to speak up, and before he knew it, he fell into his dreams again.

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